Forums > Social Chat > 101 things I learned from movies

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
#3 when they make bombs, the bombmakers are always kind enough to put an led display on them to tell you when they're going to go off.

#4 the bad guys always talk for ages before killing you, giving you plenty of time to escape. Whereas good guys just shoot.

#5 Avoid having twins at all costs -one is bound to be evil. But if you seperate them and give them half a locket each, they'll be bound to find each other again in the future.

Boo x

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If it costs "a penny for your thoughts", but people give you their "two-pence worth", who is getting the extra penny?

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
#6 - The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one ever thinks of looking for anyone in there. And you can travel without difficulty to any part of any building.

#7 - A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

#8 - Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist makes a man invulnerable to bullets.

Willy - is bad for your health...

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
in any war film never talk about family or hopes n dreams of what your going to da after the war.



i.e. if you want to be a world class pianist.......say bye bye to your hands.



if your going to be a word class athlete....leg/s





and worst of all........if you get a letter from your girl or wife before a battle............dead



but if you ran away to the army, murdured multiple people and lied to get in............turns out to be a hero for someting

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
The more bad guys that are shooting at you, the less likely you are to be hit.

And if you diveroll, it's impossible to be hit.

And if you break a table over someone's head, they will get back up but if you hit them on the head with the butt of a gun, they're out for hours.

Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
the black guy always dies

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
riding a cheetah is a bad idea only because it'll take you in the wrong direction

kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
you can damage a city and kill bystanders all you like if you're the good guy - no-one will sue you or press charges

Boo x

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If it costs "a penny for your thoughts", but people give you their "two-pence worth", who is getting the extra penny?

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
the henchmen will always die a quick and quite painless death but the head bad guys will die slowly and painfully with lots of vowing to come back to life

I AM NOT A GAY MAN!

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
hahahahahahahhahahhahaha!!!!!!


the americans actualy think they got the german enigma machine before anyone else thanks to the film U571

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
all bad guys are HORRIBLE shots when in groups. They can NEVER hit the goodguy no matter how big a gun they have, nor how many bullets they spray.

good guys can easily dodge bullets buy rolling and diving.

all good guys are EXCELLENT shots, they can even hit bad guys from far away while doing a rolling dive behind a flimsy wooden box.

thin wooden tables are EXCELLENT protection from fully automatic weapons, just flip any ole table up on its side and u will be shielded from bullets (the small round bar tables are particularly good for this)

whenever the good guy is in some war torn part of the world, there is always some little kid in the middle of it who knows the "secret" way to get somewhere, and will happily lead the good guy there (occasionaly making soe kind of smart ass remark along the way)

Stalone is TALL!!!!

bad guy ninjas are all flair and can easily be knocked out by one good punch.

as long as you are at least 50 feet from an HUGE explosion, you will be totally fine if you just put your arm over your face (shrapnel can't penetrate arm skin obviously) However, if you are RUNNING from the explosion, you will be knocked through the air and always land safely, but be dirty.

if you are scared, and think there is a killer behind a door/curtain/wall/window or whatever, he probably IS there, but you HAVE to go in the room/open the door or otherwise present yourself to him/her no matter what (instead of running the other way when u hear the scary music)

whenever you are in space or on a spaceship and something bad goes down, the person in the group whom you have never seen before...will die. every time. And usually his name is something along the lines of "johnson" Unless of course you don't recognize ANYONE in which case YOU are johnson. Rest in peace!

in dangerous situations, animals immediately develop the ability to understand every human word and will typically help save the day.

narcotic cops are all idiots. except for one. drug dealers move HUGE quantities of drugs on rather obvious paths right under cops noses until ONE cop catches on (the smart one). Typically this cop is either A) looked down upon his whole career until now, or B) about to retire and passing along his learnings to his young trainie

getting shot doesn't hurt at all when you are in the midst of a fight. In fact, many times if you are shot in the arm or leg, that limb will function like normal until the fight is over at which time it will immediately become useless. until you can get to a hospital where they will discover it was only a fleshwound and you are back at full strength.

Magic exists

all evil wizards have pointy nails and a weird laugh (and are usually bald) and wear weird clothing.

kids seem to be especially adept at magic and will often save the day with minimal training.

I once learned every move that there was,
Every style, Every technique.
Then I woke up, and forgot it all,
So now I struggle to dream.

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
If a villian has you against the ropes, and they are about to kill you, get them monologging long enough that it exposes an opportunity for you to escape.

Super'

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.


- Mark Twain

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
crap that was said...

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.


- Mark Twain

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
Whenever any serious misunderstanding can be cleared up by a simple explanation, by all means keep your mouth shut.

-Mike

Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella



A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura

Posted: 18th Oct 2005

Written by: DrBoo

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#3 when they make bombs, the bombmakers are always kind enough to put an led display on them to tell you when they're going to go off.

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#3A: The advanced models beep, too.
#3B: Really advanced models increase their rate of count-down if you cross the wrong wires.
#3C: It is physically impossible to disarm a bomb with more than 5 seconds to detonation. Furthermore, one must cross the wrong wires (see 3B) first.

-Mike

Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella



A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
if your on the run, hide in a cow shed, isnide which you will find a welding kit and all the componants to build a tank

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
i learned that when running form a car, you are faster than the vehicle on foot for at least 3 cut away shots.

Cops are the worst drivers.

99% of the people in the movies can go days, weeks, even years without taking a poo. Depending on how long the movie spans.

If you have a Super power, you also have a super seamstress somewhere to take care of all your suits.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.


- Mark Twain

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
if your blond, attractive, female and american........your dead

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
You will always have to go through the second in command before you can kill the major bad guy.

If someone throws a grenade at you, you can always pick it up and throw it back in time. unless you're the aforementioned "Johnson" in which case much decapitation, and evisceration will occur.

Kung Fu will instantly win over automatic weapons. All the time.

After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
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I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

Posted: 18th Oct 2005

Written by: ravehead

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if your blond, attractive, female and american........your dead

---

Or you receive a fatal bullet-hole to the lungs yet somehow regain vital signs in the last 10 minutes of the movie.

And if you're blond, attractive, female and american it's possible to have a PhD in thermal-nuclear astrophysics and kinetics at 22

Give me a lever long enough and a place to stand and I can beat the world into submission.

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
When you turn off a light every thing remains completely visable - just slightly blue

Every window in Paris - no, actaually France for that matter as Paris covers all of France - faces onto the Eifle Tower

The only English accents that exist are Cockney and Posh

If you are English, have a Posh accent (and especially if you have a 'tash) you'e the bad guy

Give me a lever long enough and a place to stand and I can beat the world into submission.

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
there is always a loose wooden plank for hiding something

a step or floor will always creak at the most inoportune moment

kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
and of course that Sean Connery is a god

kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
Samual L. Jackson is in everything

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
Rules to Keep in Mind Should You Suddenly Find Yourself in a Horror Movie


1) When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses or had previous inhabitants who went mad, committed suicide, died in some horrible fashion, performed necrophilia, and/or performed satanic practices, move away immediately.

3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easily, so be prepared.

6) When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.

7) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to the place.

8) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

9) Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.

10) If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

11) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12) Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.

13) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.

14) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip and fall down at least twice, more if you are a female. Also note that although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

15) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them (or kill them) as quickly as possible, especially if it happens to be a night of a full moon.

16) Stay away from certain geographical locations, which include but are not limited to the following: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.

17) If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

18) Be suspicious of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane/acetylene torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers, or any device made from deceased companions.

19) Listen carefully to the soundtrack and pay close attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent that you could ever hope to be.

20) Never, never NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them."

21) Don't make fun of or play with dead things.

22) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

23) If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.

24) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up...if it does at all.

25) If you walk into the local abandoned church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside-down, turn around and go back outside as quietly and quickly as possible.

26) When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.

27) Never have sex in the bunk beds of recently renovated summer camps.

28) Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.

29) People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpses at some point.

30) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.

31) If you realize that the people in your town/country are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are A) either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or B) will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

32) If a small band of children appear to be smarter than the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders' authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyway, because you are inferior to them.

33) If you assist the villain of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other than death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl that you have become attached to, but the villain wants as his own.

34) If any animals, such as birds, piranhas, spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that particular animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you.

35) Whatever you do, do NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second.

36) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

37) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule) do not allow him to re-board the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway.

38) When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.

39) Never, EVER go in/out/up/down/over there ('there' being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods, the lake, etc.)

40) If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT to do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal, chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, listen to him/her, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.

41) If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.

42) If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload).

43) If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, be aware that no matter how quickly you can normally change ammo cartridges, something will lock up and significantly slow down the process.

44) Halloween is a good night to spend locked safely inside a steel vault. With several feet of surrounding concrete. Lead wouldn't hurt, either. And mind the seals as liquid monsters are always a problem.

45) If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, abandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many antibiotics you take, yer gonna become one of 'em.

46) If you're the last main character left, and a bunch of people are hunting the monster/monsters DON'T stand out in the open because you will immediately be mistaken for a/the monster.

47) Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side. Strange lights shining under the door are also generally a bad sign.

48) The police are morons.

49) The police will always show up AFTER you've killed the monster.

50) If you are in an office building and are being chased by a monster, do not use the elevators.

51) DO NOT go into the dark room.

52) If you're a male, get out of there as quickly as possible! The only one who ever survives is a female.

53) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.

54) In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicibaly run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs on to your jury-rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.

55) If you are a female, never show your breasts. Easy women are expendable.

56) Never camp on or build homes near Indian burial grounds.

57) Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.

58) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your 'guest' is. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die a rather gruesome death.

59) Never pick up the phone and call for help. Chances are your phone will be dead and the next you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.

60) If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

61) If the Master does not approve, neither do you.

62) Never handle the rat-monkey cage.

63) Your dog can take care of itself...

64) So can your spouse...

65) And your kids.

66) Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway.

67) Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

68) If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.

69) Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for the one that actually occurs.

70) Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed.

71) When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monsters' head.

72) Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a successful demon/devil/ monster summoning.

73) People driven by vengeance always die.

74) Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will get you killed.

75) Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.

76) Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.

77) Feel no guilt.

78) If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.

79) If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it (and it won't start, anyway). Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.

80) If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack adults and overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!

-Mike

Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella



A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura

Posted: 18th Oct 2005
i didnt think it would be 101. But wow. good job on the 80. it definitly kept me amused longer than the average post.

Don't mind me, just passing through.

Posted: 20th Oct 2005
81) High-heeled stilletos are very practical footwear when running for you life.



82) All heterosexual couples buy L-shaped blankets that come up to armpit level for the woman and waist level for the man



83) Aliens don't see the need for firewalls or spyware



84) All alien planets have breathable atmospheres and look very much like either American deserts or British gravel pits.

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

Posted: 20th Oct 2005
85) if you use max factor you can come through explosions, ships sinking, nuclear holocaust, murder deatha nd destrucion....and you lippy will still be perfect.

I had a dream that my friend had a
strong-bad pop up book,
it was the book of my dreams.

Posted: 20th Oct 2005
86) If the lead guy has been through a divorce and something happens to put his only childs life at risk, he will automatically get back together with his ex wife by the end of the movie and have a happily ever after.

*makes vomit gestures*

Posted: 20th Oct 2005

Written by: Tao Star

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85) if you use max factor you can come through explosions, ships sinking, nuclear holocaust, murder deatha nd destrucion....and you lippy will still be perfect.

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...but thats true isnt it?



87) Avoid Christmas

Proudly Owned By The BMVC

Are You Sniffing My Mitten?

Posted: 21st Oct 2005
If you don't have faith in yourself, you'll loose your Spidey Powers.

Never beam down in a red shirt.

-James

"How do you know if you're happy or sad without a mask? Or angry? Or ready for dessert?"