Forums > Social Discussion > Disciplining young children
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145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posted:
Ok! I've been a mom for quite a few years, now.
My son is 5, he began kindergarden just a few weeks ago and is not adjusting well.
Before kindergarden there was preschool - he was an angel. The summer went by, he roughhoused and played. Now - well, his halo's a bit tarnished.
Everyday for the past two weeks he has been sent home with a note: "he was playing all day..." "he was talking and fighting..." "he was pushing another student..." on and on the list goes.
This past week on Wednesday he didn't bring a note home - wonderful! For the first time in two weeks he behaved well all day. Great, celebrate to boost the repitition of this possitive behavior.
The next day, Thursday morning, taking him to school. He opens his door to step out and then goes, "Here, Mom, this is for you." and hands me another note!
He stashed this note, knowing he'd be in trouble if I found out.
He hid the note and let me believe that he was good at school.
so - this is what I did, and this is what I want some opinions on...
I drove him home and put him to work. My instant reaction was that his teacher has had enough of his antics and could use a break. Perhaps a day home working and not playing or having fun would straighten him up.
He helped me with all of my daily chores. (I'm a housewife with one child still at home, I keep myself busy, get online for a break, and make jewelry)
He helped me scrub the carpets and vacuum, he cleaned the bathroom, helped me water the lawn and other yardwork, dishes, laundry, dusting, on and on. I made him write the alphabet, numbers, names, etc, so he wasn't completely lacking any school-work.
At first he was happy to be home, by the afternoon he wasn't so happy. By evening time, he was miserable. His work-day stopped at 5:00 to eat supper, and after supper he hit the books - writing his alphabet and numbers until it was bath and bed time.
Bedtime - kisses goodnight, tucked the boys into bed. And what happens - a fight. If I didn't storm into that room and pull the boys apart - Brandon would have beat his brother to a pulp.
So - he obviously wasn't ready to go to school the next day, in my opinion. So - Friday was another day of cleaning and writing.
He started the day unhappy but didn't become absolutely miserable and angry.
Saturday - he did pretty good, one or two small problems but nothing out of the ordinary.
Today, Sunday -still no serious issues.
So - tomorrow he's back to school.
Every child is different. My two sons are day and night. Brandon, my 5 year old, does not respond to physical punishment. He's very stubborn and keeps his mouth quiet the second that something bad happens. He's far more difficult to deal with. He's a cute sweetie, though, but a pain in the butt.
Now - what would someone else have done? Has anyone had similar issues in the past? Advice?
Ok! I've been a mom for quite a few years, now.
My son is 5, he began kindergarden just a few weeks ago and is not adjusting well.
Before kindergarden there was preschool - he was an angel. The summer went by, he roughhoused and played. Now - well, his halo's a bit tarnished.
Everyday for the past two weeks he has been sent home with a note: "he was playing all day..." "he was talking and fighting..." "he was pushing another student..." on and on the list goes.
This past week on Wednesday he didn't bring a note home - wonderful! For the first time in two weeks he behaved well all day. Great, celebrate to boost the repitition of this possitive behavior.
The next day, Thursday morning, taking him to school. He opens his door to step out and then goes, "Here, Mom, this is for you." and hands me another note!
He stashed this note, knowing he'd be in trouble if I found out.
He hid the note and let me believe that he was good at school.
so - this is what I did, and this is what I want some opinions on...
I drove him home and put him to work. My instant reaction was that his teacher has had enough of his antics and could use a break. Perhaps a day home working and not playing or having fun would straighten him up.
He helped me with all of my daily chores. (I'm a housewife with one child still at home, I keep myself busy, get online for a break, and make jewelry)
He helped me scrub the carpets and vacuum, he cleaned the bathroom, helped me water the lawn and other yardwork, dishes, laundry, dusting, on and on. I made him write the alphabet, numbers, names, etc, so he wasn't completely lacking any school-work.
At first he was happy to be home, by the afternoon he wasn't so happy. By evening time, he was miserable. His work-day stopped at 5:00 to eat supper, and after supper he hit the books - writing his alphabet and numbers until it was bath and bed time.
Bedtime - kisses goodnight, tucked the boys into bed. And what happens - a fight. If I didn't storm into that room and pull the boys apart - Brandon would have beat his brother to a pulp.
So - he obviously wasn't ready to go to school the next day, in my opinion. So - Friday was another day of cleaning and writing.
He started the day unhappy but didn't become absolutely miserable and angry.
Saturday - he did pretty good, one or two small problems but nothing out of the ordinary.
Today, Sunday -still no serious issues.
So - tomorrow he's back to school.
Every child is different. My two sons are day and night. Brandon, my 5 year old, does not respond to physical punishment. He's very stubborn and keeps his mouth quiet the second that something bad happens. He's far more difficult to deal with. He's a cute sweetie, though, but a pain in the butt.
Now - what would someone else have done? Has anyone had similar issues in the past? Advice?
"I'm your Huckleberry."
The muse spake her thought and then there was silence. Thy spiked tongue had melted, only a bitter heart remained.
Check ya later
500 posts
Location: Lower Shaw Farm
500 posts
Location: Lower Shaw Farm
Posted:
i dont have kids, but i think you did the right thing. i dont agree with physical punishment. as in, hitting a child is wrong. being physical with a child ie. grabbing them by the arm; preventing them from doing something, that is ok as long as it is in the right context.
if you hit your son for getting in fights at school, you are essentially condoning violence, which could result in him thinking it is ok to hit another kid if that kid does something he doesnt like. it can work both ways, depends on the child, context, and frequency, in my opinion.
i dont have kids, but i think you did the right thing. i dont agree with physical punishment. as in, hitting a child is wrong. being physical with a child ie. grabbing them by the arm; preventing them from doing something, that is ok as long as it is in the right context.
if you hit your son for getting in fights at school, you are essentially condoning violence, which could result in him thinking it is ok to hit another kid if that kid does something he doesnt like. it can work both ways, depends on the child, context, and frequency, in my opinion.
Jake the Juggler
BRONZE Member
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom
Posted:
Hey, JtJ I think that you might have got the wrong end of the stick with what I was saying. I was only *once* slapped by my mother, and it was for something I knew was wrong at the time, and did it anyway. I don't plan to hit my kid if he gets in fights, because I know that "Who started it" will get no-where, and hitting him/her won't solve any problems.
The only instance where it's ok is if they do something ridiculously inconsiderate and they know it's wrong and they do it anyway. See Loves the Circus' post for more details on the reasoning there.
Please don't think I PLAN to hit my kids, I just know that VERY occasionally, we all need a slap.
Hey, JtJ I think that you might have got the wrong end of the stick with what I was saying. I was only *once* slapped by my mother, and it was for something I knew was wrong at the time, and did it anyway. I don't plan to hit my kid if he gets in fights, because I know that "Who started it" will get no-where, and hitting him/her won't solve any problems.
The only instance where it's ok is if they do something ridiculously inconsiderate and they know it's wrong and they do it anyway. See Loves the Circus' post for more details on the reasoning there.
Please don't think I PLAN to hit my kids, I just know that VERY occasionally, we all need a slap.
After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
Check ya later
500 posts
Location: Lower Shaw Farm
500 posts
Location: Lower Shaw Farm
Posted:
i see your point, and i agree with it in a weird kinda way. i think the problem with trying to justify hitting a child or not is that it really depends on the situation. there is no way of saying whether or not it is right or wrong. its not as simple as that. yes, i think hitting kids is wrong, but sometimes (very rarely, like you said) it can be acceptable. not neccessarily right, but it can be acceptable. because of this, i dont think it is the kind of topic that can ever be agreed on.
i see your point, and i agree with it in a weird kinda way. i think the problem with trying to justify hitting a child or not is that it really depends on the situation. there is no way of saying whether or not it is right or wrong. its not as simple as that. yes, i think hitting kids is wrong, but sometimes (very rarely, like you said) it can be acceptable. not neccessarily right, but it can be acceptable. because of this, i dont think it is the kind of topic that can ever be agreed on.
Jake the Juggler
member
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posted:
That's why so many people have so many different types of children and punishments...My parents were creative but it was all in vain, I spited them anyway.
Really - as a child - looking back at how I was then, I really could have used a good slap every now and then.
The only time I was spanked was when I was 3, I rode my tricycle down to my friends house to give her a letter (3 year old play writing) and I waited there until she got home - later that afternoon.
Apparently I was gone for over 4 hours, my parents were freaking out, they were about to call the cops when I finally tricyd home.
Boy, did I deserve that spanking.
There were a lot of other things I did that deserved a good one, too. However, my son wasn't in that deep, fortunately.
That's why so many people have so many different types of children and punishments...My parents were creative but it was all in vain, I spited them anyway.
Really - as a child - looking back at how I was then, I really could have used a good slap every now and then.
The only time I was spanked was when I was 3, I rode my tricycle down to my friends house to give her a letter (3 year old play writing) and I waited there until she got home - later that afternoon.
Apparently I was gone for over 4 hours, my parents were freaking out, they were about to call the cops when I finally tricyd home.
Boy, did I deserve that spanking.
There were a lot of other things I did that deserved a good one, too. However, my son wasn't in that deep, fortunately.
"I'm your Huckleberry."
The muse spake her thought and then there was silence. Thy spiked tongue had melted, only a bitter heart remained.
veteran
1,328 posts
Location: Bendigo, Vic, Australia
1,328 posts
Location: Bendigo, Vic, Australia
Posted:
I dont have kids of my own (being only 16) and I am the youngest... but by sounds of things, you need to see Super Nanny.
My venturer leaders use Super Nanny tactics with their 2 year old. I recently saw what the 'naughty corner' is. The 2 year old did something which wasnt nice (quite rude too). She was supposed to apologise, but didnt. But the parents spoke to her in a firm tone (no yelling) asking her to apologise. Still refused. Next step was the naughty corner. She was to stand in a spot, looking away from all distractions for a certain period of time. Usually this is all it takes for her, although that day she did still refuse to apolgise.
Pretty much what Im saying is, try to find out about Super Nanny, as she doesnt believe in physical punishment, but stuff lke the corner.
I dont have kids of my own (being only 16) and I am the youngest... but by sounds of things, you need to see Super Nanny.
My venturer leaders use Super Nanny tactics with their 2 year old. I recently saw what the 'naughty corner' is. The 2 year old did something which wasnt nice (quite rude too). She was supposed to apologise, but didnt. But the parents spoke to her in a firm tone (no yelling) asking her to apologise. Still refused. Next step was the naughty corner. She was to stand in a spot, looking away from all distractions for a certain period of time. Usually this is all it takes for her, although that day she did still refuse to apolgise.
Pretty much what Im saying is, try to find out about Super Nanny, as she doesnt believe in physical punishment, but stuff lke the corner.
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Posted:
I think 4 and 5 are a really important age. There is a huge external input in a fairly alien environment. I can hear what you are saying but cant offer you solutions. I have found that smacking is about the adult losing control, not about discipline.
I think 4 and 5 are a really important age. There is a huge external input in a fairly alien environment. I can hear what you are saying but cant offer you solutions. I have found that smacking is about the adult losing control, not about discipline.
Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?
Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu
BRONZE Member
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom
Posted:
That's ok then JtJ, from the tone of your last post you sounded like you thought I was crazy or something,
Perish the thought. 
I also agree that physical punishment is not a good thing, and it should be used *extremely* rarely, if at all during a child's upbringing.
However a forced apology is worth nothing. It's better to find out if the child apologises of their own accord, because then you know that they are actually ashamed of what they did.
Super Nanny is just common sense, and is only really needed when the kids have been brought up by parents who spoiled them. In that case, I'd say it was the parents bloody fault for buying their offspring anything they wanted, then looking suprised when the child threw tantrums whenever they didn't... All you need to do is to say "No" firmly and repeatedly, until they've calmed down enough to ask for it politely (and even then, often it's best not to get it for them). Say something like: "Well, I was considering getting it for you, but your behaviour was so disappointing that I didn't."
Much better than shouting "No!" and giving them a slap. (which I do NOT condone)
That's ok then JtJ, from the tone of your last post you sounded like you thought I was crazy or something,
Perish the thought. I also agree that physical punishment is not a good thing, and it should be used *extremely* rarely, if at all during a child's upbringing.
However a forced apology is worth nothing. It's better to find out if the child apologises of their own accord, because then you know that they are actually ashamed of what they did.
Super Nanny is just common sense, and is only really needed when the kids have been brought up by parents who spoiled them. In that case, I'd say it was the parents bloody fault for buying their offspring anything they wanted, then looking suprised when the child threw tantrums whenever they didn't... All you need to do is to say "No" firmly and repeatedly, until they've calmed down enough to ask for it politely (and even then, often it's best not to get it for them). Say something like: "Well, I was considering getting it for you, but your behaviour was so disappointing that I didn't."
Much better than shouting "No!" and giving them a slap. (which I do NOT condone)
After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
NYC
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Posted:
There are huge numbers of useful resourses to getting information on how to effectively and compassionately discipline children. Many different schools of thought that have been researched and are truely warm and wonderful ways to interact with children.
I would NOT recommend asking advice from strangers on the internet on how to raise your child. Do the leg work and read somebody who actually knows that their talking about. They're out there and I ain't one of them.
Makes me sad that some folks spend more time researching what car to buy then how to raise their children.
Not you per se. Just 'people'.
There are huge numbers of useful resourses to getting information on how to effectively and compassionately discipline children. Many different schools of thought that have been researched and are truely warm and wonderful ways to interact with children.
I would NOT recommend asking advice from strangers on the internet on how to raise your child. Do the leg work and read somebody who actually knows that their talking about. They're out there and I ain't one of them.
Makes me sad that some folks spend more time researching what car to buy then how to raise their children.
Not you per se. Just 'people'.
Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,136 posts
Location: Warwickshire, United Kingdom
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,136 posts
Location: Warwickshire, United Kingdom
Posted:
I agree with mr NYC, shall point you to a previous thread:
[Old link]
and say that personally I think spankings should be reserved only for adults that want it
I agree with mr NYC, shall point you to a previous thread:
[Old link]
and say that personally I think spankings should be reserved only for adults that want it
member
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posted:
Well - I'm not going to correct my parenting styles based on how everyone else parents...However, I thought it would be a bit interesting to see what others from different places had to say.
Well - I'm not going to correct my parenting styles based on how everyone else parents...However, I thought it would be a bit interesting to see what others from different places had to say.
"I'm your Huckleberry."
The muse spake her thought and then there was silence. Thy spiked tongue had melted, only a bitter heart remained.
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,191 posts
Location: Sihanoukville, cambodia
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,191 posts
Location: Sihanoukville, cambodia
Posted:
i was smacked three times as a child and i can remember every single time,and what i did wrong.because it was infrequent i knew that when it happened it was because i had done something seriously wrong,and learnt from it almost immediately.
i don't condone violence-of any kind,and i do agree with the law against hitting your children as a method of discipline,because although some parents use it responsibly,its important to protect children that aren't lucky enough to have responsible parents.
personally,i don't think there's anything wrong with it,when used properly,it never did me any harm.
however,i personally doubt i would hit my own kids as i would respesct the laws that have been put in place.
i think you handled the situation with your little boy very well.
hope he learns from it.good luck and let us know how it goes!
i was smacked three times as a child and i can remember every single time,and what i did wrong.because it was infrequent i knew that when it happened it was because i had done something seriously wrong,and learnt from it almost immediately.
i don't condone violence-of any kind,and i do agree with the law against hitting your children as a method of discipline,because although some parents use it responsibly,its important to protect children that aren't lucky enough to have responsible parents.
personally,i don't think there's anything wrong with it,when used properly,it never did me any harm.
however,i personally doubt i would hit my own kids as i would respesct the laws that have been put in place.
i think you handled the situation with your little boy very well.
hope he learns from it.good luck and let us know how it goes!
SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
2,666 posts
Location: Preston, United Kingdom
Carpal \'Tunnel
2,666 posts
Location: Preston, United Kingdom
Posted:
GO Super Nanny!, I love that show. Alot of the times the children havnt exactly been spoiled, its just the parents made a few mistakes more frequently when they were at there wits end and very stressed. Children arnt bad they just dont understand how to behave and children learn everything by there parents, even if the parents dont realise that by doing something its sending little messages to there children all the time.
Its really cool show it gives you an idea on how to handle your unrully children and its really nice to see the contrast between these aaaawfull tear-away 'asbo, future borstall destined kids, turn into well behaved little angels, and the appreciation of the parents who up until 2 weeks ago where locking themsevles in there rooms crying over how bad parents they turned into.
Oh and I allmost forgot, Julie thats a really clever way of teaching your child right from wrong! Super idea
GO Super Nanny!, I love that show. Alot of the times the children havnt exactly been spoiled, its just the parents made a few mistakes more frequently when they were at there wits end and very stressed. Children arnt bad they just dont understand how to behave and children learn everything by there parents, even if the parents dont realise that by doing something its sending little messages to there children all the time.
Its really cool show it gives you an idea on how to handle your unrully children and its really nice to see the contrast between these aaaawfull tear-away 'asbo, future borstall destined kids, turn into well behaved little angels, and the appreciation of the parents who up until 2 weeks ago where locking themsevles in there rooms crying over how bad parents they turned into.
Oh and I allmost forgot, Julie thats a really clever way of teaching your child right from wrong! Super idea
Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat
'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?
NYC
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Posted:
It makes me furious how many people "shoot from the hip" when parenting. It's some of the most important decisions that we will make as a human being and most of our research comes from people taking their ONE life experience as universal fact. [My dad beat me with his belt in the face every morning and I turned out OK...]
There are people who spend their lives studying parenting. If you have a question about parenting, there are plenty of amazing sources out there.
If people are going to be dumb enough to 'ask the internet' about medical decisions at least the only person who they can hurt is themselves.
If you don't actually care about your child enough to do so, just ask random strangers on the internet, take advice from a 30 minute TV show or... what the heck, just play it by ear.
It makes me furious how many people "shoot from the hip" when parenting. It's some of the most important decisions that we will make as a human being and most of our research comes from people taking their ONE life experience as universal fact. [My dad beat me with his belt in the face every morning and I turned out OK...]
There are people who spend their lives studying parenting. If you have a question about parenting, there are plenty of amazing sources out there.
If people are going to be dumb enough to 'ask the internet' about medical decisions at least the only person who they can hurt is themselves.
If you don't actually care about your child enough to do so, just ask random strangers on the internet, take advice from a 30 minute TV show or... what the heck, just play it by ear.
Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,191 posts
Location: Sihanoukville, cambodia
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,191 posts
Location: Sihanoukville, cambodia
Posted:
if that was directed at my comments i'm afraid you've misunderstood my intentions.
i wasn't saying that just because i was smacked as a child,its ok to hit your kids,i believe quite the opposite in fact.
i agree that parenting incurrs many important decisions,and do not think these should be taken lightly at all.
i would never presume to tell someone how to raise their children,as i don't have my own,i'm sure they're doing a much better job than me!
i also think theres no harm in asking for others peoples thoughts/opinions on the matter.
Written by: NYC
It makes me furious how many people "shoot from the hip" when parenting. It's some of the most important decisions that we will make as a human being and most of our research comes from people taking their ONE life experience as universal fact.
if that was directed at my comments i'm afraid you've misunderstood my intentions.
i wasn't saying that just because i was smacked as a child,its ok to hit your kids,i believe quite the opposite in fact.
i agree that parenting incurrs many important decisions,and do not think these should be taken lightly at all.
i would never presume to tell someone how to raise their children,as i don't have my own,i'm sure they're doing a much better job than me!
i also think theres no harm in asking for others peoples thoughts/opinions on the matter.
NYC
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Posted:
It wasn't. I didn't.
Written by: maus
if that was directed at my comments i'm afraid you've misunderstood my intentions.
It wasn't. I didn't.
Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]
BRONZE Member
Macaque of all trades
8,738 posts
Location: wombling free..., United Kingdom
Macaque of all trades
8,738 posts
Location: wombling free..., United Kingdom
Posted:
I got spanked as a kid (I was a real tear away) and I feel I've grown into a well balanced responsible adult, I know kids who weren't and have now got criminal records and vise versa.
Would I smack my kids.....I don't know I'm not yet a parent. but smacking did me no harm. (maybe because only my mum smacked me, we won't go into details about my dad) but above all I believe you have to let kids know when they've done something wrong and punish them accordingly, words didn't work on me because at about 6 I was already cynical having been told at 5 I may not walk again after having a severe allergic reaction to penicillin that left me unable to walk and in hospital for over a week.
I got spanked as a kid (I was a real tear away) and I feel I've grown into a well balanced responsible adult, I know kids who weren't and have now got criminal records and vise versa.
Would I smack my kids.....I don't know I'm not yet a parent. but smacking did me no harm. (maybe because only my mum smacked me, we won't go into details about my dad) but above all I believe you have to let kids know when they've done something wrong and punish them accordingly, words didn't work on me because at about 6 I was already cynical having been told at 5 I may not walk again after having a severe allergic reaction to penicillin that left me unable to walk and in hospital for over a week.
A couple of balls short of a full cascade... or maybe a few cards short of a deck... we'll see how this all fans out.
Check ya later
500 posts
Location: Lower Shaw Farm
500 posts
Location: Lower Shaw Farm
Posted:
i love it when people lighten up these 'heavy' subjects.
Written by: flid
and say that personally I think spankings should be reserved only for adults that want it
i love it when people lighten up these 'heavy' subjects.
Jake the Juggler
small member
116 posts
Location: Hastings
116 posts
Location: Hastings
Posted:
Julie- It sounds like your doing fine, and your kid still has respect for you. Don't lose it by resorting to the belt or hand.
I'm not sure if I'm happy or not about getting a spanking when I was a kid or wish I had parents that weren't so ready to put me over their knee. It does in hind sight seem like that this was their solution to everything. By the time I was 7-8 a spanking wasn't squat to me. I still cryed though.
As an adult I'm probably a bit weird now when it comes to violence. I very much think that people who are violent and use intimidation are outright pooh and avoid them where possible. When used against me I'm just like ho hum another one of these situations.
Probably not experiences I want anyones kids to develope.
BUT then you see this crap.....
I was in the super market with the old dear, and you guys must have witnessed something like this, Some parent with the most unruly horrible child (I mean OMG I can't believe this lady lets her kid/s treat her/everyone/everything like s**t and does nothing but softly say "oh please stop that, put that down, leave that be" while the kids are blatantly ignoring everything she said and running rampant)I turned to my mom and said I never treated you or behaved like thatnwhen I was a kid did I? She stopped and looked at me and said if you EVER behaved anything like that I would have put you over my knee pulled your pants down and peppered your behind right here in front of all these people. We both laughed.
I think she would have been right to do so. If that poor parent did that right then and there I swear I would have clapped applause and cheered.
I guess judging by everyone standards here I was probably abused then. I had beatings by mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandmom/dad. I've been hit by belts, slippers, shoes, stick/cane(grannys weapon of choice, no wonder I was so well behaved around her house), speed jump ropes(OMG NEVER hit your kids with these!!) can of WD40, been made to eat bars of soap, that ones classic ect. Oddly I always felt loved. And we were a very close family.
My advise to parents is don't be a psycho like my family, though I love them very much. But don't let your kids be that typical brat we have all witnessed making their parents life hell. I think big family dinners where everyone gathers at the table to eat TOGETHER should not be under estimated. out of all my childhood memories these stand out as times when I felt closest and most connected.
disclamer: Different strokes for different folks.
Julie- It sounds like your doing fine, and your kid still has respect for you. Don't lose it by resorting to the belt or hand.
I'm not sure if I'm happy or not about getting a spanking when I was a kid or wish I had parents that weren't so ready to put me over their knee. It does in hind sight seem like that this was their solution to everything. By the time I was 7-8 a spanking wasn't squat to me. I still cryed though.
As an adult I'm probably a bit weird now when it comes to violence. I very much think that people who are violent and use intimidation are outright pooh and avoid them where possible. When used against me I'm just like ho hum another one of these situations.
Probably not experiences I want anyones kids to develope.
BUT then you see this crap.....
I was in the super market with the old dear, and you guys must have witnessed something like this, Some parent with the most unruly horrible child (I mean OMG I can't believe this lady lets her kid/s treat her/everyone/everything like s**t and does nothing but softly say "oh please stop that, put that down, leave that be" while the kids are blatantly ignoring everything she said and running rampant)I turned to my mom and said I never treated you or behaved like thatnwhen I was a kid did I? She stopped and looked at me and said if you EVER behaved anything like that I would have put you over my knee pulled your pants down and peppered your behind right here in front of all these people. We both laughed.
I think she would have been right to do so. If that poor parent did that right then and there I swear I would have clapped applause and cheered.
I guess judging by everyone standards here I was probably abused then. I had beatings by mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandmom/dad. I've been hit by belts, slippers, shoes, stick/cane(grannys weapon of choice, no wonder I was so well behaved around her house), speed jump ropes(OMG NEVER hit your kids with these!!) can of WD40, been made to eat bars of soap, that ones classic ect. Oddly I always felt loved. And we were a very close family.
My advise to parents is don't be a psycho like my family, though I love them very much. But don't let your kids be that typical brat we have all witnessed making their parents life hell. I think big family dinners where everyone gathers at the table to eat TOGETHER should not be under estimated. out of all my childhood memories these stand out as times when I felt closest and most connected.
disclamer: Different strokes for different folks.
BRONZE Member
Macaque of all trades
8,738 posts
Location: wombling free..., United Kingdom
Macaque of all trades
8,738 posts
Location: wombling free..., United Kingdom
Posted:
hear hear. 
or 
depends on the child
Written by: Colin J
disclamer: Different strokes for different folks.
hear hear.
or depends on the child A couple of balls short of a full cascade... or maybe a few cards short of a deck... we'll see how this all fans out.
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,191 posts
Location: Sihanoukville, cambodia
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,191 posts
Location: Sihanoukville, cambodia
Posted:
sweet...was just checkin!
Written by: NYCWritten by: maus
if that was directed at my comments i'm afraid you've misunderstood my intentions.
It wasn't. I didn't.
sweet...was just checkin!
member
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posted:
I have zero tolerance for misbehaving - in public, at school or at home. I have zero tolerance for whining, complaining, refusing to eat their food...on and on the list goes.
However, though I handle things at my zero tolerance level - I pride myself in being able to still have a strong relationship with my children. Hopefully I'm teaching them how not to hold grudges and how to get along even when what you really want to do is rip someone's head off. Because, believe me, my kids have pulled off some stuff that makes me want to throw them out on the street...But - I don't let them know that. I step away, cool down, then I can punish properly.
Self control is the most important factor in anything that, unfortunately, it seems parents find more and more difficult to use and, therefor, teach their children how to use. Those kids at a grocery store throwing a fit and causing havoc on everyone - their parents have taught them that behavior through their parenting. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't realize that before it's too late.
I haven't always parented this way - years ago I was quite opposite. It took nothing but effort to change my ways. But, it's obvious to me in how the children generally behave in public.
..
My husband worked a few years as a drill seargent at a military boot camp - that is where I get some of my discipline methods from...At a boot camp they adhere to a tight schedule with around the clock school work, cleaning and lawn-maintenance. Months of that as your life and you forget how to get into trouble.
I use that theory but on a smaller scale.
My kids hate cleaning, they hate folding laundry - so! that's perfect, they'll do that as a punishment and then we'll all be on the right track.
Oh - now I'm just yacking
I have zero tolerance for misbehaving - in public, at school or at home. I have zero tolerance for whining, complaining, refusing to eat their food...on and on the list goes.
However, though I handle things at my zero tolerance level - I pride myself in being able to still have a strong relationship with my children. Hopefully I'm teaching them how not to hold grudges and how to get along even when what you really want to do is rip someone's head off. Because, believe me, my kids have pulled off some stuff that makes me want to throw them out on the street...But - I don't let them know that. I step away, cool down, then I can punish properly.
Self control is the most important factor in anything that, unfortunately, it seems parents find more and more difficult to use and, therefor, teach their children how to use. Those kids at a grocery store throwing a fit and causing havoc on everyone - their parents have taught them that behavior through their parenting. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't realize that before it's too late.
I haven't always parented this way - years ago I was quite opposite. It took nothing but effort to change my ways. But, it's obvious to me in how the children generally behave in public.
..
My husband worked a few years as a drill seargent at a military boot camp - that is where I get some of my discipline methods from...At a boot camp they adhere to a tight schedule with around the clock school work, cleaning and lawn-maintenance. Months of that as your life and you forget how to get into trouble.
I use that theory but on a smaller scale.
My kids hate cleaning, they hate folding laundry - so! that's perfect, they'll do that as a punishment and then we'll all be on the right track.
Oh - now I'm just yacking
"I'm your Huckleberry."
The muse spake her thought and then there was silence. Thy spiked tongue had melted, only a bitter heart remained.
BRONZE Member
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom
Posted:
Yeah, just to add that I know someone who now twitches whenever you talk to him, refuses to meet your eyes and agrees with everything you say as a direct result of his father hitting him.
Domestic Abuse. There is NO excuse.
But I would still give my child a slap if he/she did something WAY out of line.
Is it just me, or do these go together too well for comfort?
Yeah, just to add that I know someone who now twitches whenever you talk to him, refuses to meet your eyes and agrees with everything you say as a direct result of his father hitting him.
Domestic Abuse. There is NO excuse.
But I would still give my child a slap if he/she did something WAY out of line.
Written by: Colin J
disclamer: Different strokes for different folks.
Written by: flid
and say that personally I think spankings should be reserved only for adults that want it
Is it just me, or do these go together too well for comfort?
After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
Dreamer
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
Posted:
... and abuse does affect kids. People can figure out who was hurt years afterwards by how they act sometimes....
anyway....
it is interetsing how different punishments work for different kids. There's also a time when it won't. Punishment was kind of an odd thing for me, as i always wanted very hard to please my parents and was in tears for days if they were unhappy with what i did. (this is when i was very little). I very seldom got punished, in any event, which is good all things considered there, i was going after myself enough.
But as I got older I started getting punished for things... But not always things I could figure out how to change! Thats when things started getting screwy. And if there was no pleasing my mother... well, i don't say I ever stopped trying. Not when i lived there. But the punishments meant nothing to me. I couldn't figure out what she meant, or what she really wanted. The rare occasions I could, she would want something that was too hard for me to deliver..... and i could sit back and watch myself fail. Its made me quite strange....
what do i actually have thats constructive to say here? make sure as your kids get older they understand whats going on...
and if something keeps going wrong, just don't keep punishing them in new and more creative ways... if it keeps going wrong maybe there's another problem....
... and abuse does affect kids. People can figure out who was hurt years afterwards by how they act sometimes....
anyway....
it is interetsing how different punishments work for different kids. There's also a time when it won't. Punishment was kind of an odd thing for me, as i always wanted very hard to please my parents and was in tears for days if they were unhappy with what i did. (this is when i was very little). I very seldom got punished, in any event, which is good all things considered there, i was going after myself enough.
But as I got older I started getting punished for things... But not always things I could figure out how to change! Thats when things started getting screwy. And if there was no pleasing my mother... well, i don't say I ever stopped trying. Not when i lived there. But the punishments meant nothing to me. I couldn't figure out what she meant, or what she really wanted. The rare occasions I could, she would want something that was too hard for me to deliver..... and i could sit back and watch myself fail. Its made me quite strange....
what do i actually have thats constructive to say here? make sure as your kids get older they understand whats going on...
and if something keeps going wrong, just don't keep punishing them in new and more creative ways... if it keeps going wrong maybe there's another problem....
Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive
Shalom VeAhavah
New Hampshire has a point....
member
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posted:
the biggest problem with children is that they don't communicate like adults do - so finding out the reasons and causes can be hard.
I was hoping that yesterday and today my son would be on his toes once again. But - yesterday morning he hurt himself, somehow and had his teacher on needles on day worried (why she didn't call me, I don't know - she just told me when I picked him up from school) so then I was worried until I took him to the dr. this morning.
The injury he sustained has left him with a swollen forhead and bruised eyes, but other than that - he's fine. *thank goodness*
Now it's the trick of figuring out what happened - did he fall off the slide in the backyard? did he and his brother get into a fight? Did he fall out of bed or slip in the bathroom? Whatever happened, he's not telling me, anyway - though he did tell the dr. that he fell while playing.
Kids - they keed secrets that shouldn't be kept. They can make you stress and pull out your hair. They're wonderful.
the biggest problem with children is that they don't communicate like adults do - so finding out the reasons and causes can be hard.
I was hoping that yesterday and today my son would be on his toes once again. But - yesterday morning he hurt himself, somehow and had his teacher on needles on day worried (why she didn't call me, I don't know - she just told me when I picked him up from school) so then I was worried until I took him to the dr. this morning.
The injury he sustained has left him with a swollen forhead and bruised eyes, but other than that - he's fine. *thank goodness*
Now it's the trick of figuring out what happened - did he fall off the slide in the backyard? did he and his brother get into a fight? Did he fall out of bed or slip in the bathroom? Whatever happened, he's not telling me, anyway - though he did tell the dr. that he fell while playing.
Kids - they keed secrets that shouldn't be kept. They can make you stress and pull out your hair. They're wonderful.
"I'm your Huckleberry."
The muse spake her thought and then there was silence. Thy spiked tongue had melted, only a bitter heart remained.
BRONZE Member
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom
Posted:
Julie: Check whether anyone else in his class has got similar injuries.
Yeah, Kyrian. You should always explain clearly what the child has done wrong before you even consider punishing them. Obviously if he accidently set fire to the curtains, then you'd yell at him a bit, but then tell him quite calmly that maybe it'd be better if you supervised him the next time he tried lighting matches. Punishment without explanation seems arbitrary, even if the child did something wrong, they may not realise what.
Although it reminds me of something I read where a father belted his kids every day and when asked, explained: "It's for whatever you think you've gotton away with."
Not a good example of constructive parenting.
Julie: Check whether anyone else in his class has got similar injuries.
Yeah, Kyrian. You should always explain clearly what the child has done wrong before you even consider punishing them. Obviously if he accidently set fire to the curtains, then you'd yell at him a bit, but then tell him quite calmly that maybe it'd be better if you supervised him the next time he tried lighting matches. Punishment without explanation seems arbitrary, even if the child did something wrong, they may not realise what.
Although it reminds me of something I read where a father belted his kids every day and when asked, explained: "It's for whatever you think you've gotton away with."
Not a good example of constructive parenting.
After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
member
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posted:
ah, yes - I'll take a peeksee at other kids.
For him, though, he's prone to head injuries - smacking his little noggin on doorways and refrigerators has left him with an endless amount of scars. This only adds to that.
As for my firm belief (easier said and thought than done, let me assure you) of not punishing them physically. I have a few reasons for that:
My parents didn't physically punish us often - only when we realy deserved it.
My cousins (all boys - 3 and 3 from two aunts) were physically punished quite a bit more often.
Now comparing us to them - just with the punishment methods - there's a drastic difference and 2/6 of them are on probation for drug and other issues.
Now - the problem with that comparison is that they're boys and we're girls - there's a big difference between that.
None the less - I do say that some of their problems stem from being raised that way.
Second reason: I've seen what happens when parents get carried away. Children can have hidden health problems like delicate eye-musles and detached retinas, bone weakness and all sorts of stuff. Often parents don't know about serious issues until it's too late: And example is one from this week: little Johnny had a partially detached retina and when his brother hit him on the head it detatched completely and now he's blind in one eye.
(My mother works at a Children's hospital, she knows all that happens in the emergency room....the majority of their patients with seriuos trauma are from abuse. And not abuse as in constant beatings or something - but a lot are from the "I just hit him one time" type of situations.)
Knowing what can happen when a parent or caregiver looses their temper is horrifying.
Children are fragile - some more than others.
I'm petit, 5' when I'm wearing some big shoes. So, I have to consider my boys when they're older. If I chose to physically punish them, I'd soon not be able too, they'll be stronger than me in just a few years. Soon they'd be able to knock me around. I can't have that.
That doesn't mean I don't have to whallop them on the butt now and again - but i don't let it go further than that.
It means more, too - just like someone's already said - for a child who's rarely spanked, they remember that spanking! It means more. Same thing with yelling and raising your voice - they have certain purposes and if you misuse them too often, then someone become use to that and it doesn't have the effect it should.
ah, yes - I'll take a peeksee at other kids.
For him, though, he's prone to head injuries - smacking his little noggin on doorways and refrigerators has left him with an endless amount of scars. This only adds to that.
As for my firm belief (easier said and thought than done, let me assure you) of not punishing them physically. I have a few reasons for that:
My parents didn't physically punish us often - only when we realy deserved it.
My cousins (all boys - 3 and 3 from two aunts) were physically punished quite a bit more often.
Now comparing us to them - just with the punishment methods - there's a drastic difference and 2/6 of them are on probation for drug and other issues.
Now - the problem with that comparison is that they're boys and we're girls - there's a big difference between that.
None the less - I do say that some of their problems stem from being raised that way.
Second reason: I've seen what happens when parents get carried away. Children can have hidden health problems like delicate eye-musles and detached retinas, bone weakness and all sorts of stuff. Often parents don't know about serious issues until it's too late: And example is one from this week: little Johnny had a partially detached retina and when his brother hit him on the head it detatched completely and now he's blind in one eye.
(My mother works at a Children's hospital, she knows all that happens in the emergency room....the majority of their patients with seriuos trauma are from abuse. And not abuse as in constant beatings or something - but a lot are from the "I just hit him one time" type of situations.)
Knowing what can happen when a parent or caregiver looses their temper is horrifying.
Children are fragile - some more than others.
I'm petit, 5' when I'm wearing some big shoes. So, I have to consider my boys when they're older. If I chose to physically punish them, I'd soon not be able too, they'll be stronger than me in just a few years. Soon they'd be able to knock me around. I can't have that.
That doesn't mean I don't have to whallop them on the butt now and again - but i don't let it go further than that.
It means more, too - just like someone's already said - for a child who's rarely spanked, they remember that spanking! It means more. Same thing with yelling and raising your voice - they have certain purposes and if you misuse them too often, then someone become use to that and it doesn't have the effect it should.
"I'm your Huckleberry."
The muse spake her thought and then there was silence. Thy spiked tongue had melted, only a bitter heart remained.
GOLD Member
addict
674 posts
Location: Ohio, USA
addict
674 posts
Location: Ohio, USA
Posted:
To tell you the truth, Im terrified of having kids for this reason. I really think I'd make a great father in some respects, and really want them one day... BUT I don't know if I could deal with having a holy terror responsibly.
I see how some people handle their kids (or how they DONT), and I can really see sometimes the appeal of slapping them upside the head (metaphorically, not litterally, I'm not that cruel). Hell, my mom hit me a few times, and I KNOW I deserved it those few times.
Overuse, or use as a primary disciplinary tool, I disagree with of course. But some kids have such an arogance to them that I sometimes wish their parents would take them over their knee to take them down a knotch. You know, the kid who isn't afraid of anything you threaten them with because they know its just a threat, etc.
I got hit several times. I'm glad I was. Quite frankly I don't think Im creative enough to come up with non-physical punishments that a holy terror would respond to. Here's praying that my kids are as precocious as I was, and such problems won't arise...
To tell you the truth, Im terrified of having kids for this reason. I really think I'd make a great father in some respects, and really want them one day... BUT I don't know if I could deal with having a holy terror responsibly.
I see how some people handle their kids (or how they DONT), and I can really see sometimes the appeal of slapping them upside the head (metaphorically, not litterally, I'm not that cruel). Hell, my mom hit me a few times, and I KNOW I deserved it those few times.
Overuse, or use as a primary disciplinary tool, I disagree with of course. But some kids have such an arogance to them that I sometimes wish their parents would take them over their knee to take them down a knotch. You know, the kid who isn't afraid of anything you threaten them with because they know its just a threat, etc.
I got hit several times. I'm glad I was. Quite frankly I don't think Im creative enough to come up with non-physical punishments that a holy terror would respond to. Here's praying that my kids are as precocious as I was, and such problems won't arise...
member
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
145 posts
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posted:
That reminds me of the new condom commercial that's out - A guy's at a grocery store seeing screaming kids everywhere and remembers to buy them before a big date.
I needed that when I was in high school.
That reminds me of the new condom commercial that's out - A guy's at a grocery store seeing screaming kids everywhere and remembers to buy them before a big date.
I needed that when I was in high school.
"I'm your Huckleberry."
The muse spake her thought and then there was silence. Thy spiked tongue had melted, only a bitter heart remained.
Dreamer
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
Posted:
they have condom commercials on tv? and you live in arkansas too....
i've never seen one...
they have condom commercials on tv? and you live in arkansas too....
i've never seen one...
Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive
Shalom VeAhavah
New Hampshire has a point....
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Ok, so we had this 9yo boy on the floor who had, on top of the abscess in his elbow that had him in the hospital, ADHD and "Impulse Control Disorder."
Now...I have ADHD and I don't do any of the stuff this kid does. Amazing how when you give a kid a diagnosis people are content to let him behave as if the diagnosis is the excuse.
So he threw a tantrum today, slammed the door to the nursing station a few times (damn near gave me a coronary), then tried to escape from the floor (the door is kept locked), and then tried to get into the medication room (and was blocked by the Senior resident) and then threw himself on the floor and pounded his fists...before he got this glint in his eye and squirmed under the desk where I was in the middle of a 3-page discharge summary and reached for the network cables.
Right...
Non-Https Image Link
So at this point, I grabbed his wrist. Hard. Not hard enough to cause more than just a little discomfort, but firmily enough to get his attention and to let him know that he wasn't dealing with some little weakling little old lady here. He let out a little yelp and I said "I don't mean to hurt you, but if you want to throw a tantrum and slam doors and bang your fists against the floor, go right ahead. But grabbing the cables on a computer where I'm working is just not on. It's not on at all. Now, get up."
This earned me a shocked look and he got to his feet. I kept my hand firmly gripping his wrist. "Now, go back to your bed." I let go and he stood there looking as if he might try to swing at me, so I stood up, turned slightly sideways like I was ready to knock him flat if he tried anything and said "NOW! Or I will have you tied down to your bed!" He hesitated and I said to the nurse, "call security, tell them to bring restraints. Our friend here just bought himself a few hours in four-point restraints until he cools off."
And he went. And the nurses stood there looking at me as if I had just sprouted wings and a halo and blown a large golden horn. And no restraints were necessary.
Impulse control disorder or not, when you capitulate to one of these diagnoses and allow the kid to act that way with no expectation that this is something he needs to overcome, he'll act like it. But reaching for the computer cables told me that this was a calculated act and not simply a psychotic break, so I knew that if I just made it clearly known that there were boundaries and that he'd just crossed one, and that there would be consequences, he'd stop.
Ok, so we had this 9yo boy on the floor who had, on top of the abscess in his elbow that had him in the hospital, ADHD and "Impulse Control Disorder."
Now...I have ADHD and I don't do any of the stuff this kid does. Amazing how when you give a kid a diagnosis people are content to let him behave as if the diagnosis is the excuse.
So he threw a tantrum today, slammed the door to the nursing station a few times (damn near gave me a coronary), then tried to escape from the floor (the door is kept locked), and then tried to get into the medication room (and was blocked by the Senior resident) and then threw himself on the floor and pounded his fists...before he got this glint in his eye and squirmed under the desk where I was in the middle of a 3-page discharge summary and reached for the network cables.
Right...
Non-Https Image Link
So at this point, I grabbed his wrist. Hard. Not hard enough to cause more than just a little discomfort, but firmily enough to get his attention and to let him know that he wasn't dealing with some little weakling little old lady here. He let out a little yelp and I said "I don't mean to hurt you, but if you want to throw a tantrum and slam doors and bang your fists against the floor, go right ahead. But grabbing the cables on a computer where I'm working is just not on. It's not on at all. Now, get up."
This earned me a shocked look and he got to his feet. I kept my hand firmly gripping his wrist. "Now, go back to your bed." I let go and he stood there looking as if he might try to swing at me, so I stood up, turned slightly sideways like I was ready to knock him flat if he tried anything and said "NOW! Or I will have you tied down to your bed!" He hesitated and I said to the nurse, "call security, tell them to bring restraints. Our friend here just bought himself a few hours in four-point restraints until he cools off."
And he went. And the nurses stood there looking at me as if I had just sprouted wings and a halo and blown a large golden horn. And no restraints were necessary.
Impulse control disorder or not, when you capitulate to one of these diagnoses and allow the kid to act that way with no expectation that this is something he needs to overcome, he'll act like it. But reaching for the computer cables told me that this was a calculated act and not simply a psychotic break, so I knew that if I just made it clearly known that there were boundaries and that he'd just crossed one, and that there would be consequences, he'd stop.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
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