Forums > Social Discussion > problem sibling and guilt
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wandering dingo
167 posts
Location: Aussie in London, Australia
wandering dingo
167 posts
Location: Aussie in London, Australia
Posted:
Ok, I am feeling really really bad after just hanging up from a centrelink worker from Brisbane, who was there with my brother and calling asking me to help him. I told them that I couldn't help, and am leaving the country in a couple of weeks (true) I can send him money, to get him through the next week or two (but what the hell has he done with his centrelink money!) but that won't make a difference in the long run.
He is 27, (three years my junior) dropped out of school in the ninth grade, has held down a job for a maximum of maybe three weeks at a time, is on disability for severe psoriasis that he doesn't take care of, has been living on the streets for a year (after up and walking out of his homeswest unit with loads of money owing, and is therefore not able to get another house through them) and wanted to come and stay with me. Not really an option as I am, like I said, leaving to the UK in a couple of weeks.
Myself and my family have spent the last 10 years bailing him out of trouble, giving him money when he had none, organising flats for him, paying the depostis (which of course we never get back) paying his bills when his power had been cut off, taking him groceries when he had no money and no food, and generally helping him out. Plus trying to help him understand the principles of money management, But then it all got the better of us, having forked out so much money, time, and energy and never seeing any changes. About two years ago we collectively decided that that was it, we would not do it anymore.
The strange thing is, we both had exactly the same upbringing, opportunities, education, and while it may not have been a perfect upbringing (whose is?) I managed to get myself through school, uni, get jobs, buy myself a house and generally manage to survive in the world. While he doesn't. He can't even fathom that if he spends his entire dole cheque on the first day that he will be hungry for the next two weeks.
So now I am feeling incredilbly guilty, but know that there is not alot I can do to help - no amount of money is ever going to make a difference, and the times I have had him come and stay with me to help him sort himself out have resulted in me doing nothing but cleaning up after him for a month and in the end getting mad at his total lack of life and hygiene skills.
I feel so bad about it - about not being able to help, about making the decision to stop helping, and feeling like I have a responsibility to do something because he is family. It keeps me awake at night worrying about it, and feeling guilty, and knowing that it is basically a hopeless situation for him. I am physically shaking and feeling ill after talking to the centrelink lady. And I am sure my worry is nothing compared to that of my mother's.
Any input? Are we wrong to quit bailing him out? what would you do if it were you?
Ok, I am feeling really really bad after just hanging up from a centrelink worker from Brisbane, who was there with my brother and calling asking me to help him. I told them that I couldn't help, and am leaving the country in a couple of weeks (true) I can send him money, to get him through the next week or two (but what the hell has he done with his centrelink money!) but that won't make a difference in the long run.
He is 27, (three years my junior) dropped out of school in the ninth grade, has held down a job for a maximum of maybe three weeks at a time, is on disability for severe psoriasis that he doesn't take care of, has been living on the streets for a year (after up and walking out of his homeswest unit with loads of money owing, and is therefore not able to get another house through them) and wanted to come and stay with me. Not really an option as I am, like I said, leaving to the UK in a couple of weeks.
Myself and my family have spent the last 10 years bailing him out of trouble, giving him money when he had none, organising flats for him, paying the depostis (which of course we never get back) paying his bills when his power had been cut off, taking him groceries when he had no money and no food, and generally helping him out. Plus trying to help him understand the principles of money management, But then it all got the better of us, having forked out so much money, time, and energy and never seeing any changes. About two years ago we collectively decided that that was it, we would not do it anymore.
The strange thing is, we both had exactly the same upbringing, opportunities, education, and while it may not have been a perfect upbringing (whose is?) I managed to get myself through school, uni, get jobs, buy myself a house and generally manage to survive in the world. While he doesn't. He can't even fathom that if he spends his entire dole cheque on the first day that he will be hungry for the next two weeks.
So now I am feeling incredilbly guilty, but know that there is not alot I can do to help - no amount of money is ever going to make a difference, and the times I have had him come and stay with me to help him sort himself out have resulted in me doing nothing but cleaning up after him for a month and in the end getting mad at his total lack of life and hygiene skills.
I feel so bad about it - about not being able to help, about making the decision to stop helping, and feeling like I have a responsibility to do something because he is family. It keeps me awake at night worrying about it, and feeling guilty, and knowing that it is basically a hopeless situation for him. I am physically shaking and feeling ill after talking to the centrelink lady. And I am sure my worry is nothing compared to that of my mother's.
Any input? Are we wrong to quit bailing him out? what would you do if it were you?
Only three things are certain: Death, Taxes, and that England will not win back the Ashes in this lifetime.
SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,172 posts
Location: Hastings, United Kingdom
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,172 posts
Location: Hastings, United Kingdom
Posted:
Sounds like a good sharp slap of 'we're not giving you anything more' might straighten him up a bit
Sounds like a good sharp slap of 'we're not giving you anything more' might straighten him up a bit
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Posted:
Your actions sound incredibly reasonable to me. You cant leave him in yours while you are away because who knows how it would be when you get back and that might be the last straw in your relationship.
While he knows he will continue to get help from you he will always rely on you. The odd helping hand is what families are for but when you cant help yourself its bloody hard, when you get no benefit back you start to feel used.
Nature not nurture, nurture not nature. Personalities are born as well as being forged.
You are a wonderful caring person Miss Mojojojo, you also need to look after yourself. Take care babe
Your actions sound incredibly reasonable to me. You cant leave him in yours while you are away because who knows how it would be when you get back and that might be the last straw in your relationship.
While he knows he will continue to get help from you he will always rely on you. The odd helping hand is what families are for but when you cant help yourself its bloody hard, when you get no benefit back you start to feel used.
Nature not nurture, nurture not nature. Personalities are born as well as being forged.
You are a wonderful caring person Miss Mojojojo, you also need to look after yourself. Take care babe
Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?
Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu
GOLD Member
wandering dingo
167 posts
Location: Aussie in London, Australia
wandering dingo
167 posts
Location: Aussie in London, Australia
Posted:
Hell no I cant leave him at my place! I need the rent to pay the mortgage while I am travelling! See, even this makes me feel guilty. That I can go afford to travel the world when he is sleeping under a bridge somewhere, hungry.
We haven't given him any financial support for the last 18 months to two years, but nothing has changed.
Thanks Gnor.
Hell no I cant leave him at my place! I need the rent to pay the mortgage while I am travelling! See, even this makes me feel guilty. That I can go afford to travel the world when he is sleeping under a bridge somewhere, hungry.
We haven't given him any financial support for the last 18 months to two years, but nothing has changed.
Thanks Gnor.
Only three things are certain: Death, Taxes, and that England will not win back the Ashes in this lifetime.
GOLD Member
ZORT!
3,045 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia
ZORT!
3,045 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posted:
it sounds like you done exactly the right thing. you can run around trying to fix up peoples lives for a while - but ultimately people have to change themselves for anything to happen.
why feel guilty? - family is not about a one-way bail out system - just like friendship there needs to be giving both ways. Within family those boundries can be pushed a bit more - but just because youre within a family doenst mean you have to be a charity.
theres a difference between asking my brother for a bit of help, and persistently exploiting the relationship.
but guilt is never and entirely logical process - just remember that you made the decision as a family and it was a sensible one.
everyone has to work out their own path in life eventually.
EDITED_BY: Dentrassi (1146815840)
it sounds like you done exactly the right thing. you can run around trying to fix up peoples lives for a while - but ultimately people have to change themselves for anything to happen.
why feel guilty? - family is not about a one-way bail out system - just like friendship there needs to be giving both ways. Within family those boundries can be pushed a bit more - but just because youre within a family doenst mean you have to be a charity.
theres a difference between asking my brother for a bit of help, and persistently exploiting the relationship.
but guilt is never and entirely logical process - just remember that you made the decision as a family and it was a sensible one.
everyone has to work out their own path in life eventually.
EDITED_BY: Dentrassi (1146815840)
"Here kitty kitty...." - Schroedinger.
GOLD Member
Gromit's Humble Squire
4,496 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gromit's Humble Squire
4,496 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posted:
On a harsher note Jo, I don't think you should help him out for the next week or 2. You're giving him more reason not to pick himself up.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bludger
On a harsher note Jo, I don't think you should help him out for the next week or 2. You're giving him more reason not to pick himself up.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bludger
BRONZE Member
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)
Posted:
Mojojo, pm coming your way...
Mojojo, pm coming your way...
"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)
Owner of Dragosani's left half
BRONZE Member
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom
Posted:
You can't help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves.
You also can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped.
Must be incredibly difficult watching your little brother out on the streets though... but maybe someday he'll learn how to get a real life.
Here's hoping
You can't help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves.
You also can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped.
Must be incredibly difficult watching your little brother out on the streets though... but maybe someday he'll learn how to get a real life.
Here's hoping
After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
SILVER Member
veteran
1,433 posts
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Perth, Australia
veteran
1,433 posts
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Perth, Australia
Posted:
I think I agree with everyone else you have nothing to feel guilty about...heping someone out all the time that will not help themselves will only make them more liable to come back to you time and time again.
I think that letting him fall down and realise that sometimes he will need to help himself...as he will not always have others to fall back on will be beneficial to him in the long run.
You guys have done all you could and should have done and you have no reason to feel guilty at all....
I mean if you all keep supporting him what will happen when you guys are all gone. He is a grown up now and he has to learn to take responsibility for his own life...
I think I agree with everyone else you have nothing to feel guilty about...heping someone out all the time that will not help themselves will only make them more liable to come back to you time and time again.
I think that letting him fall down and realise that sometimes he will need to help himself...as he will not always have others to fall back on will be beneficial to him in the long run.
You guys have done all you could and should have done and you have no reason to feel guilty at all....
I mean if you all keep supporting him what will happen when you guys are all gone. He is a grown up now and he has to learn to take responsibility for his own life...
GOLD Member
wandering dingo
167 posts
Location: Aussie in London, Australia
wandering dingo
167 posts
Location: Aussie in London, Australia
Posted:
Yeah, we aren't doing anything. My Mum isn't even answering calls from him. Still sucks though.
Thanks guys I think I just needed to hear what I already probably knew. We've done what we can, and hope that he gets his sh!te together. I doubt it though!!
Yeah, we aren't doing anything. My Mum isn't even answering calls from him. Still sucks though.
Thanks guys I think I just needed to hear what I already probably knew. We've done what we can, and hope that he gets his sh!te together. I doubt it though!!
Only three things are certain: Death, Taxes, and that England will not win back the Ashes in this lifetime.
Dreamer
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
Posted:
What sethis said.
Word for word.
What sethis said.
Word for word.
Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive
Shalom VeAhavah
New Hampshire has a point....
GOLD Member
wandering dingo
167 posts
Location: Aussie in London, Australia
wandering dingo
167 posts
Location: Aussie in London, Australia
Posted:
Well now this topic was AAAAGGGEEESS ago, but, we had some knews on my little bother, I mean bRother.
He has been diagnosed with Di George Syndrome, which means he is missing a bit of DNA on a particular chromosome, and all his problems are related to that. (Cleft palate, speech problems, learning difficulties, Hypocalcemia and skin problems, and as yet undiagnosed psych issues that we are sure are there)
They found out because he was found unconscious with a broken leg, not too compos mentis and no idea how he did it. So they put him in Hospital and tested him for things, and after 27 years of back and forward to doctors and specialists, they finally come up with something. That's kind of good news, because now we know there IS something wrong, we can get it looked after, and now that means he gets more help from social services with stuff too. That's good.
So Ma n Pa have to get tested and then me because it can be genetic. But I am not worried, I have absolutely zero of the symptoms.
The two family doctors he has had in the last ten years (that Mum, Dad and I still see) have both said, "Of course that's what it is, I should have thought of that, that makes sense."
Grrr.
Well now this topic was AAAAGGGEEESS ago, but, we had some knews on my little bother, I mean bRother.
He has been diagnosed with Di George Syndrome, which means he is missing a bit of DNA on a particular chromosome, and all his problems are related to that. (Cleft palate, speech problems, learning difficulties, Hypocalcemia and skin problems, and as yet undiagnosed psych issues that we are sure are there)
They found out because he was found unconscious with a broken leg, not too compos mentis and no idea how he did it. So they put him in Hospital and tested him for things, and after 27 years of back and forward to doctors and specialists, they finally come up with something. That's kind of good news, because now we know there IS something wrong, we can get it looked after, and now that means he gets more help from social services with stuff too. That's good.
So Ma n Pa have to get tested and then me because it can be genetic. But I am not worried, I have absolutely zero of the symptoms.
The two family doctors he has had in the last ten years (that Mum, Dad and I still see) have both said, "Of course that's what it is, I should have thought of that, that makes sense."
Grrr.
Only three things are certain: Death, Taxes, and that England will not win back the Ashes in this lifetime.
SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
1,848 posts
Location: Adelaide, SA, Australia
Pooh-Bah
1,848 posts
Location: Adelaide, SA, Australia
Posted:
I'd say you probably need to be tested not cuz you might have it but more incase there's a possibility of passing it on?
and your doctors? that's just lazy and exactly the reason i hate doctors.
it's good you have a solution now though... solution's prolly the wrong word... but you know what i mean.'s to you.
Written by: Mojojo
So Ma n Pa have to get tested and then me because it can be genetic. But I am not worried, I have absolutely zero of the symptoms.
The two family doctors he has had in the last ten years (that Mum, Dad and I still see) have both said, "Of course that's what it is, I should have thought of that, that makes sense."
Grrr.
I'd say you probably need to be tested not cuz you might have it but more incase there's a possibility of passing it on?
and your doctors? that's just lazy and exactly the reason i hate doctors.
it's good you have a solution now though... solution's prolly the wrong word... but you know what i mean.
's to you. "i am exotic, and must keep my arms down" - Rougie
"i don't understand what penises have to do with getting married" - Foxie
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Posted:
Blinkin heck.....
frustration plus
Hugs to you darl and see you soon
Blinkin heck.....
frustration plus
Hugs to you darl and see you soon
Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?
Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu
GOLD Member
wandering dingo
167 posts
Location: Aussie in London, Australia
wandering dingo
167 posts
Location: Aussie in London, Australia
Posted:
fanks for the hugs. double hugs back!
yep, I'll get tested just to make sure - although I will wait and see what Mum and Dad's results are - if neither of them have it, I have as much chance as everyone else in the population, and my brother is probably just a random, non-genetic case.
Hopefully!
Yes, blinkin' doctors. But if the two that have been dealing with him over the last ten/fifteen years are now aware of it they might be more likely to notice it in someone else, which I guess is a good thing. Have to look for the positives.
yay be seeing you soon Gnor, put the kettle on!!
Two more work days and I'm gone!
fanks for the hugs. double hugs back!
yep, I'll get tested just to make sure - although I will wait and see what Mum and Dad's results are - if neither of them have it, I have as much chance as everyone else in the population, and my brother is probably just a random, non-genetic case.
Hopefully!
Yes, blinkin' doctors. But if the two that have been dealing with him over the last ten/fifteen years are now aware of it they might be more likely to notice it in someone else, which I guess is a good thing. Have to look for the positives.
yay be seeing you soon Gnor, put the kettle on!!
Two more work days and I'm gone!
Only three things are certain: Death, Taxes, and that England will not win back the Ashes in this lifetime.
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