Things to Say and Do Guaranteed to...

- Things to Say and Do Guaranteed to Annoy Your College Roommate (also guaranteed to work on your mate, partner, or spouse)

- Repeat thoughtfully the last word of everything your roommate says (e.g., Your roommate:
- "How are you doing today?" You: "Today . . . Today . . . ?")
- Continuously refer to your roommate using terms of endearment (sweetcheeks, honeybuns).
- Slap him/her in the face if s/he ever does the same.
- Kill several people. Store the corpses underneath your roommate's bed. Call the police.
- Become Forrest Gump.
- Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
- Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
- Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
- Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
- Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
- Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class.
- Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
- Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
- Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
- Smile. All the time.
- Dye all your underwear lime green.
- Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
- Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
- Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
- Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
- Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
- Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why ..." Be creative.
- Shave one eyebrow.
- Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
- Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka" and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
- Listen to radio static.
- Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email.
- If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
- Whenever your roommate goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
- Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
- Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
- Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
- Skip to the bathroom.
- Collect Chia-Pets.
- Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
- Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done it."
- Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report.
- Drink a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
- Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it regularly and frown.
- Bring in potential new roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room.
- Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate.
- Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain that "it just didn't belong."
- Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
- Hire a night watchman to guard your bed while you sleep.
- Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he/she knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
- Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
- Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word.
- Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
- Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
- Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
- Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
- Draw a chalk outline of a dead body on the floor.
- Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen and yellow highlighter. Highlight page numbers and write pornographic haikus on the margins.
- Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the night we . . ." and make up sex stories involving you and your roommate.
- Buy a gun. Clean it every day.
- Invite the Dean to sleepover.
- Invite the school President to sleepover.
- Invite your roommate to sleepover.
- Leave little notes for your roommate in the shower.
- Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself. Be sure your roommate picks the mail.
- Intensely study the complete list of ways to annoy your roommate. Form a discussion group with other friends. Give tests.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird, now the world is weird and they take prozac to make it normal again.

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