Forums > Social Chat > what to do what to do... this is a bad situation!

Posted: 16th Oct 2004
I'm sorry to hear of your troubles Bobo.

I've not been in your position as far as the exchange, but my parents did split and divorce when I was a child. It's hard when you feel like you cannot please both of them with your choices. My advice would be don't make any decisions until you know exactly what is happening. Then I can only advise you to be open and honest with all parties involved. It makes life so much easier than trying to tell people what you think they want to hear, so you don't hurt their feelings. Feelings will get hurt whatever happens so you may as well be open and honest.

Emotional blackmail goes on a lot when families change shape. Try not to let it sway you. These people are and will always be your family, the people that come to your aid when the chips are down. My mother and I have no contact for years(my choice) for many reasons but I know if anything truely bad were to happen to her I would be there for her.

The only advice I can give about the exchange is contact the people running it and see what they say. Its a big organisation and you won't be the first person for this to have happened to. They can tell you exactly where you stand regarding your contract with them.

Families are a changing, growing thing, just like the members in them. Some changes effect us positively and some not. You just have to learn to ride the bad changes until the good ones come along. Sometimes the bad changes instigate the good ones.

Good Luck hun

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

Posted: 16th Oct 2004
Not contacting the people in cahrge - don't trust them enough, and I don't like them. That's not happening until it has to. End.

~ Bobo

wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier

Posted: 16th Oct 2004
im sorry hunnybun i have no advice but ill give you a few hugles and hope it works out...

What if we think the jokes on them,
But really - the jokes on us....

and also... i wuv Rougie *snuz*

Posted: 16th Oct 2004
What are the terms of your being there? I shouldn't imagine that your parent's marital status has anything to do with it, and their divorce is no one's business but the family's.

Having said *that* bit, I'm the child of divorced parents as well, and Skull's right, be open with them, and try not to let them play games with you. Hoe long are you in Germany for? Canadian law is (obviously) diff to English, but i imagine that it's still going to be a couple of months before anything is anywhere near sorted, and so if i were you, i would make no choices for that amount of time, and let all involved know that you want the situation to settle down first.

It is a hard place to be in, and i sympathise..

Lynne

"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

Posted: 16th Oct 2004
youre having a fantastic experience at the moment - and im sure your parents can get divorced without your help at home.... my dear, its time to be entirely selfish. ask yourself - whats the best for you?

the legal situtation really depends upon what you signed - but keep things quiet and see what happens.


ed.

"Here kitty kitty...." - Schroedinger.

Posted: 16th Oct 2004


When your parents split it's always tough, even if you're prepared for it.
I dont know anything about the legal system....sorry
But i think you should try and stay in Germany if you can.

Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

Posted: 16th Oct 2004
I'm afraid that I don't have any useful knowledge to share about legal or contractual thingies, but there's no better place to come than HOP for a hug and a shoulder to lean on.... And I for one give damn good hugs, so here's a whole truck load of them for ya.... Sending lots of warm thoughts and positive stuff your way too...

We all take different paths in life, but no matter which path we take, we take a little of each other everywhere...

Posted: 16th Oct 2004
Ok, i don't know anything about the particular laws involved here either, and it's annoying that it has to happen while you are away, but you have a grand opportunity to be in germany for a year and i really don't think you should forsake it. I see absolutely no reason why you'd have to go back to Canada that can't be sorted out from where you are, the legalness is between your parents and unless there are likely to be any custodial battles between them then you should have to free will to live with whichever parent you want and spend as much time with either as you want - think about whether you really want to start at a new school for your final year because it's not just about the fact of your friends but also the teachers as it is probably not a good time to be uprooted in that sense.

I don't know exactly how old you are, but the fact that you have gone off on your own to germany for a year, suggests that you are a very independent person capable of making the right decision and stayong on agreeable terms with both your parents. If your dad really wants to take you to London, why not do it at the end of the exchange when your contract is finished? Just make sure they know that you really want to stay in Germany and that you need time to make decisions. Best of luck

Aurinko freedom agreement reached 10th Sept 2006

if it makes no sense that's because it's NOn-sense.

Posted: 17th Oct 2004
Okay, I don't think there'll be any problems, as long as that nosy nosy woman from the organization doesn't find out about it! Urgh!

What will happen will happen, with or without me there. So, if my house gets sold, then it's sold, and then we'll have to figure out where my stuff goes. Not that it matters, because I've realized I don't need most of that junk, so I will probably go home and throw most of it out anyways. It was all just clutter.

I think there may be a problem with emotional blackmail, however, because my dad seems to be really attatched to me, and took it a little hard when I left to begin with. I think that he would really want to spend a lot of time with me if I were there. So, I guess it's not emotional blackmail, but just a father wanting to spend time with his daughter. But my fear is letting him get too attatched, you know? I mean, I love everyone in my family, I do, but it's obvious that I can't always be home helping them all figure things out between eachother (as I used to do, back in the day when this whole thing began). If I wanted to do that I would have never gone here, and left them all for a year to deal with eachother to their own devices.

But then, after saying that, I feel like I'm almost abandoning my family... But I'm not,but there's always that little voice in the back of your head that tells you what you should be doing, to make everyone else better, and not yourself.

Another part that really hurt me was when I told my host family - I was in tears, at the moment, becuase it was right after I got the email, and it was a shock, even still - and they looked at me, and it seemed to me that it hurt them to see me in pain from that, and it was just a vicious cycle of everyone being sad.

Anyways, I'm rambling...

~ Bobo

wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier

Posted: 17th Oct 2004
Bob, you will be sad i think. And it's ok, it's a tough thing to go through. That other people were upset just means they care. and IMO, it's far better that (being your host family) they care than dont care *smiles*.

Hopefully your dad will calm down in time, and your year out will show him that you can be as close as ever, without being in his pocket all the time...

Do what makes *you* feel better now. Your parents must do what makes them feel better. You're 16, so you probably wouldnt be living at home (at least properly) for many more years anyway, and they would have to get used to that sooner or later

Let them sort themselves out, THEY are the adults. If *they* cant sort out thir mess, certainly *you* shouldnt be trying

Lynne

"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

Posted: 29th Oct 2004
I was talking to my Dad today (on MSN, very amusing!!!) And after it, I think he is mad at me. Rather.



He asked if he could come visit me for Easter break again. The truth is that I don't really want him to. He said he would rent a car, and we could tour Europe and all that. I told him not to get his hopes up, because the organization wouldn't let me, becuase that means I'd be a tourist, and not experiencing German cultre. Then he got all sad, and in a bad mood. (Understandable, I guess)



Also, I said that I wouldn't find it fair to let him come and see me, and not my mom too. to that, he replied 'if your mother wants to go see you, she will have to do so of her own accord. I can't do anything for her anymore.' As calm and sensical as it may sound, I know he is rather mad...



So, I bit the bullet, and started asking him things about the split, and what's gonna be happening. He says he hopes the house will be sold by spring... Okay, big deal.



Now the bit that is really bothering me.



I don't know how well my dad will make it through this. My mom will be fine. For some reason, she seems more indipendant, and she has a social life outside of work. I can picture my mother living alone, and still being fairly happy. But when I imagine my father living alone... I can only see him spiralling down into depression. He doesn't have any social life outside of work. And he works all the time. He wakes up at six, works on the comptuer, goes to work at 7:30, comes home at 1800, has dinner, and works. The only social gatherings he goes to is for work.



He is also really alone now, because I left. I was always home, when my mom and brother were out or studying (my mum works full time and is a uni student, my bro works part time, and is a uni student). So, what will he do??



I was explaining this to my host family at lunch time... They asked me if I thought it was good for me to stay. I said yes.



My father can not lean on me. I will not be around to save him all the time. He was on his own before, when he was in school, and residency. After living with someone for so long, I fear that he has lost his indipendancy, whereas my mother seems to have gained it in the past years. But my father needs to learn how to depend on himself, and not others. That is why I am staying here, and not going to him. That is why I think it is better.



By my being here, I can not feed him the sympathy he lives on.

By my being here, he has to learn how to deal on his own.



If I were home, I would feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for him here. But I am also sick and tired of his guilt tripping, and making all of us feel guilty, and sorry for him. (Today, for example, he said that he was the only one doing any work getting the house ready to be put on the market, because no one would help him like usual. So, he does all the work, and everyone comes home and bitches at him for everything that is wrong, because it's all his fault, isn't it??) I hate living around that. He has grown to be rather hard to live with.



I don't want to go home. Not because my parents are splitting, but because I might be stuck with him, and I don't want him to drag me down into a depression. I am still young, and I am just starting my life. It will be hard for him, but he must learn how to do it.



Does anyone get my reasoning?? I am either really emotionally mature, or a cold hearted bitch and a horrible daughter. I can't decide.



~ Bobo

wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier

Posted: 29th Oct 2004
You are NOT a cold hearted bitch..... if you were you wouldn't even be considering any of this, you would be off out enjoying yourself!

You are NOT a horrible daughter. You sound to me like you have reasoned this all out and can see if you went home your father would fall into a pattern of relying on you as his emotional support instead of learning to live on his own again. Thats not being horrible at all its helping him to stand on his own 2 feet. Maybe time on his own to reflect on his life is what he needs. He might not like the idea of facing up to that, but he is going to have to do it sometime.

Stand your ground Bobo. You are right to worry. It would be a cold hearted person that didn't worry, BUT don't let those worries cause you to give into emotional blackmail.

Take good care of yourself Bobo

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

Posted: 29th Oct 2004
I agree completely with Skully. Your father should not be taking all his angst and depression out on you.

Getting a divorce is not easy for anyone involved. Your father needs to learn how to live on his own again, and I think you are definitely doing the right thing by staying in Germany.

Can you maybe suggest to him to join a gym simply so he can meet some other people? Or maybe a book club if he likes reading (or some other sort of club that goes along with any of his hobbies)? It might help get him out of a depressed state.

Posted: 1st Nov 2004
Okay... I can't remember when, but I was talking to my dad about it (again). He said that he and mum have to be seperated for a certain period of time before they can file for divorce. Which probably means, they can't get into any legalities for a couple months, maybe even the better part of a year. And they won't be seperating until the house is sold (early spring-ish), so my guess is that it won't be until I get home next summer that any legalities actually start to take place. Fun fun.

I was talking to my Brother lastnight on MSN, and he got the webcam going, and I saw eeryone at home. It hurts too much to see and talk to them at the same time, I won't let him use the webcam anymore. It's too much, and due to it, lastnight was the first time I was truly sad that I was over here. But hey, it's taken two months to get to that point. I think I'm doing pretty good so far...

~ Bobo

wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier

Posted: 1st Nov 2004


:anotheroneofthosethroughthecomputerhopethishugmakesyoufeelbetterhugs:

Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering...

Posted: 1st Nov 2004
Bobo, you've obviously thought long and hard about what's happening in your family and it's obvious that it's a painful situation for all of you. But you have to remember that your father has his own life, just as you have yours.

However much you may feel that you're leaving him to his angst and depression, think ahead by a few years. You might temporarily solve the problem by going home and living with him again, but you'll come to resent him for all the things he's stopped you doing.

It's not selfish, nor is it cruel and heartless. It's life. Once the whole painful divorce business has passed, things won't look so bleak. In a while he'll be able to deal with what's happend and look a little more objectively at his own life. In the meantime, don't make yourself responsible for him - he's an adult, he can think for himself.

*hugs*

sin

"Abashed, the Devil stood and saw how awful Goodness is"

Posted: 1st Nov 2004
When i told people that my parents were splitting up, all i seemed to get was 'oh it'll be alright' 'it'll all be clear once its all sorted out' which to me was just stupid. my parents were splitting up how is it going to be ok!!
I think what helped me the most was talking about it. I had a friend who had gone through the same situation only a couple of months before, and we BITCHED for England, jsut talking sutff over and dont be afraid to cry either..dont bottle stuff up cos that only means it gets released on someone and u'll regret it later(if that made sense )
don't get angry take a step back and look at the situation from all different angels. helped me understand it all a bit more
and no hugs from me cos they suck...i much prefer this guy

Aimz xx