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Forums > Social Discussion > Commitment-phobes and losing one (hugs welcomed)
Login/Join to ParticipateSILVER Member
with added berries
1,365 posts
Location: Manchester, England (UK)
with added berries
1,365 posts
Location: Manchester, England (UK)
Posted:
As some of you may know, my boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, and I’m finding it really hard. We’d been together for 9 months and best friends for over a year before that.
Now, I’ve had, (as most people have), some awful relationships in the past. I’ve let people use me, abuse me, learnt from it, grown, moved on. But I thought this one was different.
We got on so well, and all the usual stuff. But this time, I actually knew I could trust him, because I knew him. (Or, I guess, so I thought). The break-up came a bit out of the blue, for me, and in fact, he’d apparently only really been unhappy for 3 weeks. There was none of the ‘usual’ things wrong with our relationship, we weren’t arguing, we still got on, and we still enjoyed spending time in each others company. Things were a bit strained due to the fact the relationship had to turn long-distance, and we are both having to deal with other difficult things in our lives at the moment.
Basically, we had to split up, because he couldn’t deal with the commitment of a relationship, and feels that things are much better when you’re on your own. One of the main triggers has been that he needs to find a job he is better suited to and happy in, preferably linked to his degree, and he has been putting this off for the last 2 or so years. (At the moment he is a postman). I was planning on moving back to where he lives in about 5 months time, but this panicked him, as he felt that then, he wouldn’t be able to move. It was also putting extra pressure on him, by the fact that I am training to be a teacher, an essentially grown-up job, and I think that this was kind of rubbing salt into his wound. Also, a lot of this is just excuses that he gives himself to avoid taking on responsibility.
At the moment, I’m pretty devastated. The timing couldn’t really have been worse either. In the back of my mind, the only thing that is keeping me going is the hope that one day, (in the not too distant future), he will be ready for a relationship, and that he would want it to be me. Now before you all jump down my throat telling me this is stupid, I know it is, but no matter how much I try to quash it, it still stays there nagging.
Me, some of our mutual friends, and his parents, think he’s quite depressed at the moment, but, he says he’s fine. He never really talks about his feelings. He’s also really worried about me, and how much he’s hurt me, and I’m worried about him. We both want to stay friends, and both know this will be hard, but I’ve lost my boyfriend, and I don’t want to lose my best friend too.
Sorry that this is an epic essay, but needed to get it off my chest. My real question is what do I do now? This is the second time in a row, I’ve had someone not be able to commit to me (and its not like I’m asking for people to marry me!). People keep telling me there are plenty fish in the sea, but I’m obviously not interested at this time. I had just about given up on fish when I started seeing the last one, and I thought, if it doesn’t work with him, then I can’t see it working with anyone.
As some of you may know, my boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, and I’m finding it really hard. We’d been together for 9 months and best friends for over a year before that.
Now, I’ve had, (as most people have), some awful relationships in the past. I’ve let people use me, abuse me, learnt from it, grown, moved on. But I thought this one was different.
We got on so well, and all the usual stuff. But this time, I actually knew I could trust him, because I knew him. (Or, I guess, so I thought). The break-up came a bit out of the blue, for me, and in fact, he’d apparently only really been unhappy for 3 weeks. There was none of the ‘usual’ things wrong with our relationship, we weren’t arguing, we still got on, and we still enjoyed spending time in each others company. Things were a bit strained due to the fact the relationship had to turn long-distance, and we are both having to deal with other difficult things in our lives at the moment.
Basically, we had to split up, because he couldn’t deal with the commitment of a relationship, and feels that things are much better when you’re on your own. One of the main triggers has been that he needs to find a job he is better suited to and happy in, preferably linked to his degree, and he has been putting this off for the last 2 or so years. (At the moment he is a postman). I was planning on moving back to where he lives in about 5 months time, but this panicked him, as he felt that then, he wouldn’t be able to move. It was also putting extra pressure on him, by the fact that I am training to be a teacher, an essentially grown-up job, and I think that this was kind of rubbing salt into his wound. Also, a lot of this is just excuses that he gives himself to avoid taking on responsibility.
At the moment, I’m pretty devastated. The timing couldn’t really have been worse either. In the back of my mind, the only thing that is keeping me going is the hope that one day, (in the not too distant future), he will be ready for a relationship, and that he would want it to be me. Now before you all jump down my throat telling me this is stupid, I know it is, but no matter how much I try to quash it, it still stays there nagging.
Me, some of our mutual friends, and his parents, think he’s quite depressed at the moment, but, he says he’s fine. He never really talks about his feelings. He’s also really worried about me, and how much he’s hurt me, and I’m worried about him. We both want to stay friends, and both know this will be hard, but I’ve lost my boyfriend, and I don’t want to lose my best friend too.
Sorry that this is an epic essay, but needed to get it off my chest. My real question is what do I do now? This is the second time in a row, I’ve had someone not be able to commit to me (and its not like I’m asking for people to marry me!). People keep telling me there are plenty fish in the sea, but I’m obviously not interested at this time. I had just about given up on fish when I started seeing the last one, and I thought, if it doesn’t work with him, then I can’t see it working with anyone.
Live like there is no tomorrow,
dance like nobody is watching
and hula hoop like wiggling will save the world.
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
BRONZE Member
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)
Posted:
awwww Holly, I'm so sorry
Not quite sure what I can say, but if you're coming to the SJC I'll give you some hugs in person there
I'll keep my fingers crossed that things work out for you though!!!
awwww Holly, I'm so sorry
Not quite sure what I can say, but if you're coming to the SJC I'll give you some hugs in person there
I'll keep my fingers crossed that things work out for you though!!!
"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)
Owner of Dragosani's left half
BRONZE Member
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand
Posted:
Hugs I can give , but advice from anyone who doesn't know either of you is not likely to be much use to you though I guess.
I'll try my 2c though just in case - I've usually found that there is always life after "whatever" - anything major happens that you think you'll never get over; well, life does go on and often when you stop worrying about looking for something it comes along and finds you. If you're still training to be a teacher, I'm guessing you are still plenty young enough to have a lot of "life" ahead of you - you don't need to be in any hurry to find your life mate just yet.
So, try not to let yourself get too down - I am sure everything will work itself out. You just need to take it a day at a time and have patience and faith.
Take care.
George
Hugs I can give , but advice from anyone who doesn't know either of you is not likely to be much use to you though I guess.I'll try my 2c though just in case - I've usually found that there is always life after "whatever" - anything major happens that you think you'll never get over; well, life does go on and often when you stop worrying about looking for something it comes along and finds you. If you're still training to be a teacher, I'm guessing you are still plenty young enough to have a lot of "life" ahead of you - you don't need to be in any hurry to find your life mate just yet.
So, try not to let yourself get too down - I am sure everything will work itself out. You just need to take it a day at a time and have patience and faith.
Take care.
George
Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread
I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it. 
BRONZE Member
newbie
12 posts
Location: New Zealand
newbie
12 posts
Location: New Zealand
Posted:
Know how you're feeling, going through much the same sans the long distance thing 
But if we already knew all the answers, then what would be the point in life
Know how you're feeling, going through much the same sans the long distance thing But if we already knew all the answers, then what would be the point in life
BRONZE Member
wandering thru the woods of WI
3,556 posts
Location: Wisconsin, USA
wandering thru the woods of WI
3,556 posts
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posted:
from a commitment phobe:
it's not you, so don't put it on yourself...it's our issue, and in the end, down the line, you will find one who doesn't scoot out when things are going ok or even really well
there is also nothing wrong with putzing about yourself for a bit...
try to stay friends, it's hard but good, as you said there is no reason to lose best friends either, that's why i tell bfs that my friends are family and if they don't like it...tough, friends stay-bfs go
commitment, even not of the marriage sort, is a very scarey thing
sorry you had to run into a commitment phobe, we make great friends but suckey significant others
from a commitment phobe:
it's not you, so don't put it on yourself...it's our issue, and in the end, down the line, you will find one who doesn't scoot out when things are going ok or even really well
there is also nothing wrong with putzing about yourself for a bit...
try to stay friends, it's hard but good, as you said there is no reason to lose best friends either, that's why i tell bfs that my friends are family and if they don't like it...tough, friends stay-bfs go
commitment, even not of the marriage sort, is a very scarey thing
sorry you had to run into a commitment phobe, we make great friends but suckey significant others
Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed
member
68 posts
68 posts
Posted:
sorry to hear that sweet pea hope your ok.
heres my pennies worth. sometimes things are more than a fear of commitment. and no im not saying its you at all. if your teacher training then you must be the same age as me. im looking for a job at the mo and the amount of stress its putting on me is immense and i keep thinking if i should stay where my fella is or go or what...... its such a muddle and sometimes its good to have a break from each other to reevaluate whats important. This is good for both of you. imagine if you spend say the next 5 years following him and being the 'perfect girlfriend', what happens when you realise youve let go of your dreams to be with him? maybe thats what worries him? i wouldnt wish anyone to be stuck in a dead end job mindlessly passing the days away. you have teaching but what does he have....?you should take this as an opportunity to decide what you really want from life. I always believe good friends will always be there for you and that if love is strong enough it will come through in the end. sometimes it just needs a little patience
well that was a random babble-i hope you take it the right way.
ps what do you teach??
sorry to hear that sweet pea hope your ok.
heres my pennies worth. sometimes things are more than a fear of commitment. and no im not saying its you at all. if your teacher training then you must be the same age as me. im looking for a job at the mo and the amount of stress its putting on me is immense and i keep thinking if i should stay where my fella is or go or what...... its such a muddle and sometimes its good to have a break from each other to reevaluate whats important. This is good for both of you. imagine if you spend say the next 5 years following him and being the 'perfect girlfriend', what happens when you realise youve let go of your dreams to be with him? maybe thats what worries him? i wouldnt wish anyone to be stuck in a dead end job mindlessly passing the days away. you have teaching but what does he have....?you should take this as an opportunity to decide what you really want from life. I always believe good friends will always be there for you and that if love is strong enough it will come through in the end. sometimes it just needs a little patience
well that was a random babble-i hope you take it the right way.
ps what do you teach??
SILVER Member
fluffy mess
197 posts
Location: Brighton, United Kingdom
fluffy mess
197 posts
Location: Brighton, United Kingdom
Posted:
Hmmm, thats harsh on you. I really do wish good things for you.
I am a commitment phobe too and would agree with faithinfire. It more than likely isn't you. I have broken up with perfectly lovelly boys who haven't done anything wrong, who I still get on with well,who my parents would love and would probably make any woman really happy.I don't know why, but one day I just wake up and realize that I am becomming unhappy, and quite often I have been told that my news comes out of the blue. Thats pretty much happened with every single relationship I have ever had. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend, or that my past boyfriends have not been good enough, it's all boiled down to my own issues. Thats why I choose to remain single now, so that I can sort things out with myself before playing with other people's hearts (I don't do it on purpose, but if I kept going on the way I was it was bound to keep happening).I get lonely sometimes, but enough to have to go through the whole rigmarole with other lovelly people again, who don't deserve it.
I know for me it has not been that I didn't share my emotions, my problem has been that I do not understand my emotions, so I cannot communicate them. This makes a relationship pretty much impossible. And because I am aware that I do not know how I feel about things I am reluctant to really commit to anything. I am hot one minute and cold the next, for no apparent reason. I don't understand it myself. I thought it was just me being psyco lady, but turns out that there are lots of people out there who have the same problem. We cannot put a label on what we feel or why we feel it. And it normally turns out that these people are intensely passionate. I tend to find something and put all my energy into it. To praise it and live it and be consumed with it, but those intense feelings tend to burn out fast. Not just with people, but with places, and things too. I would give anything to remain more constant. To be sure of what I am feeling.
I feel bad too, for making others feel bad. But to continue on with something that you just arn't into anymore is just as cruel, and makes people like my go from a little unhappy to miserable quite quickly.
I hope this has maybe helped you, even if only a bit.
I wish you much luck and love.
Hmmm, thats harsh on you. I really do wish good things for you.
I am a commitment phobe too and would agree with faithinfire. It more than likely isn't you. I have broken up with perfectly lovelly boys who haven't done anything wrong, who I still get on with well,who my parents would love and would probably make any woman really happy.I don't know why, but one day I just wake up and realize that I am becomming unhappy, and quite often I have been told that my news comes out of the blue. Thats pretty much happened with every single relationship I have ever had. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend, or that my past boyfriends have not been good enough, it's all boiled down to my own issues. Thats why I choose to remain single now, so that I can sort things out with myself before playing with other people's hearts (I don't do it on purpose, but if I kept going on the way I was it was bound to keep happening).I get lonely sometimes, but enough to have to go through the whole rigmarole with other lovelly people again, who don't deserve it.
I know for me it has not been that I didn't share my emotions, my problem has been that I do not understand my emotions, so I cannot communicate them. This makes a relationship pretty much impossible. And because I am aware that I do not know how I feel about things I am reluctant to really commit to anything. I am hot one minute and cold the next, for no apparent reason. I don't understand it myself. I thought it was just me being psyco lady, but turns out that there are lots of people out there who have the same problem. We cannot put a label on what we feel or why we feel it. And it normally turns out that these people are intensely passionate. I tend to find something and put all my energy into it. To praise it and live it and be consumed with it, but those intense feelings tend to burn out fast. Not just with people, but with places, and things too. I would give anything to remain more constant. To be sure of what I am feeling.
I feel bad too, for making others feel bad. But to continue on with something that you just arn't into anymore is just as cruel, and makes people like my go from a little unhappy to miserable quite quickly.
I hope this has maybe helped you, even if only a bit.
I wish you much luck and love.
"I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.." - Oriah Mountain Dreamer
SILVER Member
psychadelic pyro
570 posts
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
psychadelic pyro
570 posts
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
Posted:
I sorry to hear that, hun.
My girlfriend left me last Monday, so I know what you're going through. I can't give advice, but I can give a
Hope you feel better.
If you need a shoulder you're more than welcome to PM me.
I sorry to hear that, hun.
My girlfriend left me last Monday, so I know what you're going through. I can't give advice, but I can give a
Hope you feel better.
If you need a shoulder you're more than welcome to PM me.
Normality is the playground of the unimaginative
Pooh-Bah
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land
Posted:
what you do next hunny is 'baby steps'..
I split up from a 4 year relationship last Novemeber.. he to 'was my best friend' - we'd lived together for about a year and a half and I thought that he was 'the one' - but he got very complacent and didn't put anything into the relationship, whilst I was running around like a headless chicken trying to make it work.. I know it's a different situation to you and I'm not sure how old you are.. but I turned 30 (
single at 30 whilst all my friends are getting married and having kids!) in June and I started to realise that he (sat on the sofa, playing Play-satan eating me out of house and home, not really listing a finger or contributing to the bills) - I digress.. my point is that I thought he was my best friend and that I couldn't get on without him.. but over a few months I realised that he wasn't my best friend, he was just the person who knew me the best.. yeah it's been really hard the last few months BUT with baby steps, I wake each morning to the possiblity of a new beginning..
He made me loose my self - which I haven't realised until a few weeks ago.. I don't know who I am, where I am going or why etc..
I guess what I am trying to say is that you concentrate on you, your teaching for example- it's a commendable profession. Don't wait around or give time to someone who can't put thier own life in order - trust me I waited for 2 years for him to get a job that was based on his degree, he was quite happy for me to pay the bills and him to play on the Playstation.. get on with what you want to do - make yourself stronger and you will eventually attract someone who wants to be with you, becuase you are a strong individual and not someone who is just there for the ride... well that is what I am trying to do anyway..
Hugs to you, breaking up is crap and there is no right time for it.. but you are not the only one hun, I keep thinking that I would feel more 'whole' if he was still around.. but I'm glad he's not in a way as it's giving me a chance to make me a better person..
hmm I guess I needed to get that off my chest too..
keep smiling and remember ' baby steps'
what you do next hunny is 'baby steps'..
I split up from a 4 year relationship last Novemeber.. he to 'was my best friend' - we'd lived together for about a year and a half and I thought that he was 'the one' - but he got very complacent and didn't put anything into the relationship, whilst I was running around like a headless chicken trying to make it work.. I know it's a different situation to you and I'm not sure how old you are.. but I turned 30 (
single at 30 whilst all my friends are getting married and having kids!) in June and I started to realise that he (sat on the sofa, playing Play-satan eating me out of house and home, not really listing a finger or contributing to the bills) - I digress.. my point is that I thought he was my best friend and that I couldn't get on without him.. but over a few months I realised that he wasn't my best friend, he was just the person who knew me the best.. yeah it's been really hard the last few months BUT with baby steps, I wake each morning to the possiblity of a new beginning.. He made me loose my self - which I haven't realised until a few weeks ago.. I don't know who I am, where I am going or why etc..
I guess what I am trying to say is that you concentrate on you, your teaching for example- it's a commendable profession. Don't wait around or give time to someone who can't put thier own life in order - trust me I waited for 2 years for him to get a job that was based on his degree, he was quite happy for me to pay the bills and him to play on the Playstation.. get on with what you want to do - make yourself stronger and you will eventually attract someone who wants to be with you, becuase you are a strong individual and not someone who is just there for the ride... well that is what I am trying to do anyway..
Hugs to you, breaking up is crap and there is no right time for it.. but you are not the only one hun, I keep thinking that I would feel more 'whole' if he was still around.. but I'm glad he's not in a way as it's giving me a chance to make me a better person..
hmm I guess I needed to get that off my chest too..
keep smiling and remember ' baby steps'
I honour you as an aspect of myself..
You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..
Mosh-mosh-mosh-mosh.
346 posts
Location: Midlands
346 posts
Location: Midlands
Posted:
I don't know you, but being an emotional mess myself at the moment and having been on the dealing and receiving end of similar at times I know it's nigh on impossible to sort immediately or even in the short term.
I was with my ex for 3 years, and we'd been amazingly close friends for 6 years previously, 6 years she'd been in love with me. Towards the end of "us" I knew it wasn't working and that I was too blame. Now, a lot of stuffs gone on since, as she's a lot younger than me and it's a backwards town I come from, but do try to stay friends if you can.
I miss her as a friend and wish I could have kept that. Since then I've fallen for someone who I had a brief "thing" with. She ran. I've not spoken to her in weeks and, simpy put, it's tearing me apart. I'm masking it well, but all I know is that I'm a total mess inside.
PM me if ya wanna gibber at anyone, I'll soon hand over my MSN addy and stuff.
Stay strong. It's a long road, but you're not travelling it alone.
I don't know you, but being an emotional mess myself at the moment and having been on the dealing and receiving end of similar at times I know it's nigh on impossible to sort immediately or even in the short term.
I was with my ex for 3 years, and we'd been amazingly close friends for 6 years previously, 6 years she'd been in love with me. Towards the end of "us" I knew it wasn't working and that I was too blame. Now, a lot of stuffs gone on since, as she's a lot younger than me and it's a backwards town I come from, but do try to stay friends if you can.
I miss her as a friend and wish I could have kept that. Since then I've fallen for someone who I had a brief "thing" with. She ran. I've not spoken to her in weeks and, simpy put, it's tearing me apart. I'm masking it well, but all I know is that I'm a total mess inside.
PM me if ya wanna gibber at anyone, I'll soon hand over my MSN addy and stuff.
Stay strong. It's a long road, but you're not travelling it alone.
Xbox360 Live ID - Sacred Apollyon
"Enemies you threaten make armies. Enemies you destroy make graves."
"Here is a test to see if your mission on earth is finished: If your alive it isn't."
BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Posted:
Hey lady,
Sorry to hear that you're going through this.
Take each day as it comes, and try to avoid looking into the future or the past, as you can't change either.
Am not sure if 'commitment-phobe' is the right description, but I've met a few such people along my journey.
Those who make their excuses and leave at the first sign of emotion, or when everything seems to be going well.
I think it's mainly because of fear.
1. Because they don't want to be hurt by losing that person in the future.
2. Because there might be some elusive person out there, even better for them.
Love is the strongest of emotions, and it's also the one most likely to do you damage... because of this, some people can be scared of it.
I was speaking to Drew recently about something similar.
Perhaps it's just that these people aren't ready yet. They haven't dealt with their fears and insecurities and still need to grow up (not in a bad or dismissive way).
But most people do get there in the end, and realise that it's an honour to have someone respond to you.
That's not to say it will be next week, or even next year. It's bad timing that has lead to you being hurt...
But keep your love shining. Someday someone beautiful will come along to treasure it, and you won't need to question their commitment.
Keep on swimming...
Clare xx
EDITED_BY: _Clare_ (1172095036)
Hey lady,
Sorry to hear that you're going through this.
Take each day as it comes, and try to avoid looking into the future or the past, as you can't change either.
Am not sure if 'commitment-phobe' is the right description, but I've met a few such people along my journey.
Those who make their excuses and leave at the first sign of emotion, or when everything seems to be going well.
I think it's mainly because of fear.
1. Because they don't want to be hurt by losing that person in the future.
2. Because there might be some elusive person out there, even better for them.
Love is the strongest of emotions, and it's also the one most likely to do you damage... because of this, some people can be scared of it.
I was speaking to Drew recently about something similar.
Perhaps it's just that these people aren't ready yet. They haven't dealt with their fears and insecurities and still need to grow up (not in a bad or dismissive way).
But most people do get there in the end, and realise that it's an honour to have someone respond to you.
That's not to say it will be next week, or even next year. It's bad timing that has lead to you being hurt...
But keep your love shining. Someday someone beautiful will come along to treasure it, and you won't need to question their commitment.
Keep on swimming...
Clare xx
EDITED_BY: _Clare_ (1172095036)
Getting to the other side 
BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Posted:
And of course...
Try not to confuse the love/commitment issue.
There are people with whom we form special connections... and we love them.
That's not to say they need to be our life-long partners.
It might make it easier if you don't deny that love existed, but just realise that it was supposed to be a brief, but beautiful time in your life.
And of course...
Try not to confuse the love/commitment issue.
There are people with whom we form special connections... and we love them.
That's not to say they need to be our life-long partners.
It might make it easier if you don't deny that love existed, but just realise that it was supposed to be a brief, but beautiful time in your life.
Getting to the other side
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